Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween to everyone.

I hope everyone has a great day and a fun evening just as spooky - or not - as you want it to be.

It is also my 21st anniversary. We wore masks to our reception, and yes, we gave out candy to trick-or-treaters. I will leave it to you to figure out the logistics.


By the way, did anyone hear about things going on in Grovers Mill last night? I can't seem to get any news out of the area.




The countdown to NaNoWriMo continues.

Warning! Danger!

Just a couple quick warnings.

First, there are still some things about my condition and medical history that I need to post, for myself and for others. So, if you are interested consider this a notice, otherwise it counts as fair warning. Nothing right now, but in the future.

Second, everyone check this out if you haven’t already.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081022/ap_on_sc/sci_scotch_tape_surprise

I don’t know about you, but I won’t be wrapping any presents in a vacuum this year. Makes you wonder what else is going on that we don’t know about. What do Post-It notes do, generate gamma rays? And what about duct tape?

Further that last post

I said that I wanted to write something fun and I realize that the ideas I listed may not seem like fun stories.

To be clear, the fantasy idea is definitely a fun one, albeit with elements of conflict and such as necessary to make it an interesting story.

The silly horror story doesn’t sound like it would be fun, but it definitely might be – or not, now that I think of it.

I have to admit that the SF story would not really be fun, but it is familiar to my brain – notwithstanding the constant changes in plot elements – and while serious it is not a dark story. That doesn’t sound like so much fun either, does it?

The alternate history/pseudo-steampunk one would be fun in parts and will be partly in nature because it is an adventure story, and it sure would be a blast to write.

So, that’s half. Not so much fun in there. I either have to change my list, redefine my idea of fun or change my criteria. Or pick one of those two stories. Oh well, with my luck I’ll come up with some other idea next week, that is fun, but with no plot, then I’ll get hooked on that idea and I’ll have no clue what to do.

Now that sounds like fun.

Like a whirlpool it never ends

I spent half of yesterday dizzy – no comments, please. Well, except “Blech.” I've had worse episodes, but it was not a fun time. I imagine that it was something in my back and shoulders and neck messing with nerves that did it. You’d be surprised how problems can spread. Doctors are always asking me if I get dizzy. Yeah, I do. Now what are you going to do about it?

Anyway. As far as this NaNo thing goes, I have a few ideas bouncing around in my head – hey, there’s plenty of room in there. At the moment the front runners are the silly fantasy idea, an SF idea, a pseudo-steampunk/alternate history concept and a silly horror story (no that is not an oxymoron, it really is a combination of the two). The problem is that I have no plot for the first, no coherent idea on the second (it keeps evolving), the third would actually require research and the fourth is really just a two word idea at the moment which is only in the running because I just thought of it.

I think that I may be revealing too much about how my mind works. Medical history is one thing, but this is way too much information.

The cover was lousy, and you could judge by it

I read a book the other day. Yay me. Well, I finished reading a book the other day. Anyway, after I finished it I had to think about it a bit. I didn’t really enjoy the book. These days I just stop reading books I am not enjoying, and I would have, but it wasn’t very long and I kept hoping it would get better. I knew the author and enjoyed her other books in this milieu and I was trying to recapture some of the reading pleasure I had with her other books. I kept hoping that this book would get better and then transport me to that enjoyment I had experienced many years ago. I should say that this is not a new book, just one that I had not read before. Alas, this book never got there.

So, why did I have to think about it? I had to decide if it was me or not. Was I missing something? Was I not getting everything that was in the book because of my current reading abilities or lack thereof? Or was the book really not that good? I’m sorry to say, and also relieved to say, that I decided that the book really wasn’t that good. It was like a throwaway; maybe something that she had to fill in between books in a related series. It was just an idea and some characters that were lying around when her publisher wanted a book. I was disappointed. It’s nice when you can find something new – at least to you – from a favorite author. That’s what I was hoping for.

So it wasn’t me. It just wasn’t a great book.

Wouldn’t it be nice to find something new by Sayers or Hammett or whoever you love to read?

It occurs to me, finally, that maybe this just means that I should write what I want to read. Someone has to write the books that aren’t there right now.

Just in case I wasn't clear

I started this post before I read comments on the last one, but I’m going to post this anyway because not everyone who can see this necessarily knows me.

It’s just a note to say that if it looked to anyone like the last post was meant to be about how I’m worse off than anyone; that was not my intention. I just wanted to list the things about my condition that I haven’t put out anywhere in one place before.

I know that there are people with more severe disabilities than I have. I know that there are people in more pain than I am in. All I have to do is look at my wife to see someone who every day is in more pain than me.

I just wanted to put out a status, as it were, of where I am at the moment after all that happened.

I wanted to make sure that people who don’t know me know that.

Snapshot

Before I start in on where I am going there are some things that I want to get out first. I wanted to post this earlier this month, but here it is now. This is for anyone who is interested who is already reading this blog. It is also for anyone out there searching for blogs with medical conditions that they share. But it’s more than sharing conditions; knowing that you aren’t the only one with the problems you have helps – at least it helps me.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I want everything visible so anyone who finds this won't have to click through a link to find the information.

For the sake of people searching I will once again say that I had Legionnaires’ Disease, Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS), sepsis, was intubated and on a ventilator for 6½ weeks, in the ICU, suffered multiple organ failure (I think they call this MODS), was on dialysis, my heart stopped, I had multiple infections and I almost died.

So, before I move on to where I want to be, here is where I am at now.

I have a brain injury and related cognitive issues, nerve damage, persistent muscle weakness, scarred lungs, asthma, COPD and PTSD.

Specifically, I have:

• Pain in my right hand and left leg from nerve damage
• Overall weakness from muscle atrophy and persistent weakness
• Inability to stand or even sit up unsupported for very long
• Lack of stamina
• Severe fatigue, as in any exertion and I just hit a wall. It’s a deep exhaustion where the chemicals to move your muscles are depleted
• Burning pain that runs from my left hip down into my foot
• Difficulty focusing and concentrating on tasks and an inability to multi-task
• Difficulty handling stimuli – if I go out, such as to a store, where there are many, many stimuli, like a supermarket, I am quickly fatigued both mentally and physically
• If I watch people while they are talking I will lose track of what they are saying because I get distracted by their mouths and eyes – which can make it look like I am not paying attention or trying to lie when all I am trying to do is hear the actual words and not just the sounds
• Memory problems: as in I’m not sure what I remember from the past and I have short term memory problems. I have trouble remembering the right word and sometimes use the wrong word. Also, if I am looking at or listening to something while trying to talk I may say what I see or hear instead of what I mean to say.
• Some hearing loss, both volume as well as frequency – I thought this was from sepsis but apparently the myriad antibiotics I was on could also be the cause; just another example of the cure causing problems. No complaints; they did it all to save my life.
• Vision problems that includes nerve damage around the eyes, eye fatigue and pain
• Ringing in my ears
• Shortness of breath, sometimes when I’m just sitting down
• Difficulty sleeping – both falling asleep and staying asleep
• Crazy-ass and often disturbing dreams
• Depression
• Anger management issues
• Overall nerve damage

The nerve damage includes, top to bottom:

• around my eyes, which affects muscle control
• around my ears
• around my nose, which also affects muscle control
• my neck – my head tends to fall to the side, especially to the left, when I am tired
• Throat and Larynx – my voice is not the same as it used to be, which means that not only do I not sound the same, but I can’t sing like I used to and sometimes I can’t laugh. The not laughing may be the worst part of it.

  I also have an odd sensation in my throat. An exam by an ENT (I’ll post about that some other time) showed no visible physical damage so it is the nerves.

• Numbness in my right forearm
• Ulnar nerve damage that means that I can’t use half of my hand properly, or even feel it. Numbness and tingling don’t really properly explain this sensation.

  Imagine that you are wearing half of a glove that cuts off sensation and restricts movement to three fingers and limits the use of the other finger and thumb. You feel like you should be able to take it off, but you can’t. I can’t use the hand like a hand, even though it looks pretty normal.

• My right hand is also a major pain location. The damaged nerves, including the nerves in the hand itself, are not responsive to normal sensation but give an amazingly increased pain response, sometimes just out of the blue in excruciating fashion. Meds for this only reduce it some, and if I take enough to do that I get sedated into immobility. So there is pain all the time and using the hand (writing, typing, eating, stirring, gripping) just makes it much worse. When I get the sudden electric-shock pain I get what I call the Dr. Strangelove effect: my muscles cramp, starting at my fingertips and running up my arm, so that my hand curls up and my arm follows and it jerks up till my hand is by my shoulder.
• In my left hand it’s mostly just the little finger
• On my left thigh there is a large area of loss of sensation. This is also a major pain location. There is pain all the time and using the leg (standing, walking) makes it much worse. Of course, sometimes when I’m just sitting there I get a lightning pain, as if someone stuck an electrified spike – or multiple spikes – into my leg. This can make me fall down.
• There are also some internal problems with my digestive tract and I’ll just leave it at that.
• Nerve damage in both ankles that affects balance
• Both feet, the outside three toes mostly, bottom and top of foot around them as well, which is a pain location as well as a problem walking and balancing

Also:
I sometimes have trouble completing tasks because I will miss a step or two even when I have written directions.

Overall loss of muscle, my current muscle mass is at most half of what it was by my perception. I lost 60 lbs while in the ICU and very little was fat. I am much weaker than I was before. What muscle I do have is not as strong as it used to be. The exercise that I have been able to do, which most days is limited to activity to take care of myself because of my lack of energy, has not put on much muscle. I am stronger than I was 3 years ago, but I am still very weak. I have no stamina.

My recovery time from exertion is long; it can take days to recover if I go too far. I test my limits all the time, and I can sometimes tell when I should stop. Of course there are times when I just have to go on, like when I need to go to a doctor or just take care of daily chores. Afterwards I collapse.

I have asthma and COPD; I have scarring from the disease and the intubation.

I have been told by pulmonologists that additional oxygen will not help (and would actually hurt) because I am using as much as I can.

I have PTSD.

I have anger issues, the stupidest thing can set me off. I perceive things as threats or challenges to me and my abilities when they may not be, and probably aren't. It’s like the fight or flight response is now just fight even when there is no real threat. I can’t run away from what is wrong with me so I just get angry about everything.

I have trouble talking and eating because the long intubation moved my teeth out of alignment.

I also have high blood pressure and a stress ulcer, both only since being in the hospital.

I still have some more tests to go to check out my blood chemistry and look for brain lesions (oh joy).

There is a lot more to do, and I’m not stopping. This is just to let people know where I am now. I'll let you know where I’m going and how I’m getting there in future posts.

It must be later...

…because here’s more

Now about this NaNoWriMo novel. Here’s the thing: I don’t have an idea. Well, OK, I have tons of ideas, but I don’t have one for November. I want to do something fun. And I have an idea that might be fun – well, writing is fun but I mean a less dark idea. Only this one is only enough of an idea for about 5,000 words; if I’m, lucky. That’s barely a short story.

Now if I just let stream of consciousness go who knows what that could turn into, but starting off with such a thin idea is a little daunting. Then again, that is the whole idea behind NaNo – just let yourself go. One of their mottoes is “no plot, no problem.”

So I may just run with this idea. At the moment, I’m keeping it to myself. Partly because I like to keep new ideas close to the vest, partly because it’s a silly idea. I’ll let you know more once I finally decide.

Which I better do soon as November is fast approaching.

If you’re interested in any more info about NaNoWriMo, you can find it here http://www.nanowrimo.org/.

This is what I meant, really

So here I sit – you’ll just have to take my word for that, I am indeed sitting down while I type this – with a literally fried brain; focus, concentration and cognition problems; a pronounced lack of stamina; nerve damage that includes my hands – especially the right; and I can’t type for sh—, well, I’m not so good. So what am I about to try to do? I am considering participating in something known as NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriMo, for the uninitiated and probably saner folks out there, is National Novel Writing Month – OK, that doesn’t sound like something you participate in, more like a period of time; like National Kumquat Month or Universal Bagel Day or something. Well, that’s true, but it’s also an event in that people – some people of a certain bent (certain bent people?) – do something during that month. No, not repaint the Erie Canal; that was in June. People try to write a novel in one month – November, to be precise. It’s not February, but we’re talking a 30 day month here. And not just any novel, well, yes, just any novel, but it’s supposed to be a novel of at least 50,000 words.

Ouch. And I do mean ouch; typing hurts. A lot. And have I mentioned that I’m not so good at it? The good thing is that quality is not an issue. One of the admonitions to participants is to turn off your inner editor. But, Ouch.

Sorry, nothing very fancy or important. I just thought it might be fun and a good way to jumpstart myself out of wherever it is I am. Like I said before, I’m working on a few things to move forward and this is one of them. Like trying to read to help myself, I thought this might be a good way to exercise my brain. I’m not sure if that shows that I’m willing to try new things, deluding myself that this could help or that I’m just plain crazy.

It is, however, a goal. The idea is to finish the novel. It can be crap; just finish it. But like we used to say of certain code, “It’s crap, but it runs.”

I told you my idea of fun was strange.

More later.

Remember me?

I’m still around, even though I haven’t posted in almost – sheesh! – 2 weeks.

So I’m back. As I said elsewhere, I’ve been thinking mostly about politics lately and I didn’t want to turn this into a political blog just yet. I also wanted to move away from mostly medical issues – though I do have more things to say on that front in the near future.

I’ve been trying to move forward with some stuff and I’m working on that – Vague? Who me? My wife has been having a particularly bad time of it for the past 3 – 4 weeks so I’m not going to do anything that interferes with helping her. Well, I’m going to be an ass about some things because I have issues that I don’t deal with all that well, but I’m not going to intentionally do anything that will interfere with her getting better.

But November is looming and there is something in there that is attracting my attention. It has fixed me with its steely gaze and unblinking eye – wait, that’s just the CBS logo – and is trying to lure me with promises of indescribable pleasures too much for mortal man to comprehend, endure or resist and that are probably illegal in 17 states. I am being enticed by creative extravagance, or perhaps insanity, and wild individual artistic abandon. OK, it’s much more prosaic than that, but…

It’s a crazy idea. It’s an impossible idea. It’s ridiculous to even consider let alone attempt. But it could be fun – keep in mind that my idea of fun is a little warped.

That’s all I’ll say on that matter for now. I’ll put up some more on my condition and similar things in the future and maybe some boring daily stuff. That ought to keep you just sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for more.

But there just might be something significant and possibly even interesting, so keep checking back. I’ll try to keep up with this thing.

Feel free to read

I'm a little late on this, but this is Banned Books Week: September 27th - October 4th. Go here for more info.

It's been a bad week for reading for me so I haven't picked what to read yet. I'll do my best to get to it.




Yes, in light of past posts about me making time for reading I realize the irony in the title of this post.