Aaaagh – dental follow-up edition

I have remembered that I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow.  I mean, it’s a good thing that I remembered, but still, it is the dentist.  I hope the crown is a good match and the other work goes well.  I didn’t actually get everything finished the last time so there will be more drilling and filling.

No cycling on Monday.

Yes, I am obsessed.

Yes, I am old – example #91228

Anyone else remember going to the store to check vacuum tubes on that big machine they had so you could buy replacement tubes for your TV?

Sometimes I hate it when I’m right

Doctors sometimes ask me if I exercise or what I do for exercise and I explain that I don’t do structured exercise.  I use what I do around the house as exercise.  Anything extra that I add would make it hard for me to do the things that need to be done.  I’m not always sure they believe me – some obviously do, but I even doubt myself sometimes.

Well, now I’ve started cycling and guess what?  I’m having a hard time keeping up with all of the things that I need to do.  As a result things have been piling up around here.  It’s not good to be proven right in this circumstance.

Sure, things could be much worse, but this is what I have to deal with, doing all of the things that I couldn’t keep up with before while also cycling as often as possible.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m really not complaining.  Seriously.  It’s more like I told you so (I told me so?).

Eventually the weather will determine what gets done, but until then I intend to keep up the cycling and do my best to make everything else work.  I’ll take it as a challenge/exercise in scheduling and prioritizing and figuring out how best to manage my energy.

For those of you scoring at home

And even for those of you who are alone *rimshot!*

The songs that sort of crept parenthetically into some previous posts were ‘Hell In a Bucket’ by the Grateful Dead and ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ by the Rolling Stones.

Egocentric, projectionist assholes

After describing their idea of a stereotypical liberal, someone said that those imaginary people should support Romney since he had done nothing to them so far.

I don’t hold my positions, or blog about things, just because of things that have been done to me – and I don’t fit that stereotypical description either, but that isn’t the point.

The point is that I care about government policies that hurt people.  Of course I care if something hurts me or my family, but I also care if other people are hurt even if I’m not.

Some people don’t have a fucking clue what empathy is; or common decency.

It’s all in the reflexes

I’ve mentioned before how I can’t do the things that I used to do, that I’ve lost many of the various abilities that a body accrues from a lifetime of movement.  And until I try to do something I don’t even know that anything is missing.

Forget that for now, because I want to talk about the trying and some things that I’ve retained.

Sometimes, I find myself trying to do things that I am surprised I even remember.  I can’t get on my bike in the usual way, but even doubting I could I tried.  It was just the natural thing to do.  I have seen this happen for all sorts of things with cycling.  All of the little things you learn how to do to control the bike, ways of pedaling, shifting, handling bumps and potholes and manhole covers and rough patches in the road, negotiating turns and bumps and curves – the reflex is still there.

All of this became so ingrained in my mind and my body when I was a child that it has survived the ravages of time and illness.  Maybe I haven’t remembered everything – after all you don’t know if you don’t remember – but I don’t care.  It’s fun to find myself doing things that aren’t every day activities but that used to be second nature.  And doing it without even thinking.

I don’t even care if I can’t do it well, or even at all.  It’s the fact that I try that I think is cool.

Just to keep things real

I can ride for about 15 minutes, then I collapse into a recliner, immobile, for at least 2 hours.  The rest of the day I spend recovering from exhaustion and stiffness and sore muscles.

That is the limit of my cycling ability.

I am enjoying myself but boy I am barely off the starting line here.

But at least I’m enjoying the ride

Back to optimism, of sorts.

I am concerned that I am expecting too much from riding my bike.  I seem to be expecting cycling to do everything for me, as if it will increase my energy, reduce my fatigue, make me stronger, give me bright eyes and a shiny coat.

I’m also concerned that I will have a serious problem if this doesn’t work – or if it doesn’t make everything better.  Well, maybe not a serious problem, but I really am hoping that this will do a lot for me and that may not be realistic.  This is a promising start and that on its own is a good thing.  Even if I get a minimum benefit from this that will still be a benefit.

I’m enjoying this and I am going to keep doing it.  I just need to be realistic.

I may love doing this just because it is something that I am able to do and it is important to me because of that.  My unrealistic expectations don’t make it a bad thing.  I’m just fixated on it – current rants on here notwithstanding – and I need to be sure that it doesn’t distract me or delude me from seeing what else needs to be done or the problems that still exist.  As the ‘Boxed in’ entry said, this disability is not something that I can get away from.  No matter how hard I pedal.

Then again I’m not really trying to do that.  I may be trying to distract myself for a time and do something that I enjoy and get away from things for a while.  I don’t see anything wrong with that and looking forward to riding is helping me in many ways.  What I can’t do is let myself see this as the perfect and immediate solution.

Being able to ride was a bigger deal than maybe even my babbling about it can relate.  I got the idea into my head that I wanted to do this – that I needed to do this – that this was a major and vital step in improving my health.  I made it a big deal and I was expecting to be let down when I couldn’t ride.  But I could.  That success looks like a major leap but it isn’t yet.  It is a little step.  It is a step in the right direction but it wasn’t a jump right to the finish line.

I’m hoping that writing this is enough evidence that I am aware of the limitations both of myself and this latest idea I have of what I need to do.  Cycling is not a solution.  Cycling is a step in the right direction.  It offers a lot that can help me. 

I am still in the very early stages of this.  I might not get very far before the weather gets bad enough to force me to stop.  If I put too much into this it could all fall apart – I could fall apart – when I have to stop either for the winter or for some other reason.

So I need to keep my head clear about this and keep looking ahead to other things.  And I will keep cycling, not put too much emphasis on it, and I will keep thinking about its place in my progress.

That and I will buy myself a new saddle.  My posterior just can’t handle the hybrid seat design anymore.  All my padding seems to be higher and in the front.  Go figure.

Self awareness

Yes, I am very aware of the fact that, as far as disabilities go, I am extremely fortunate to be where I am and not much worse off.

I’m lucky just to be alive.

But I am disabled and to say it is frustrating just doesn’t come close enough sometimes.

Blame the brain injury if you want.

Whatever the reason I felt the way I did to write that last post, it is true, for a lot of people.

And if you’re reading this and think you don’t have enough of a problem to complain sometimes, just remember what a physical therapist once told me when I said I felt guilty because I wasn’t as bad as some of the other people at rehab: Everyone has their own level of disability and needs help.

He was serious and he was right and he seriously wanted to help me get better so that I could be as good as I could be. 

I guess it’s OK to feel sorry for yourself sometimes, just don’t wallow in it.  I usually only get as bad as that when I hear people talk about how people on disability are lazy fakers who just want to mooch off the government.  I guess that’s how they justify cutting social services and still sleep at night.

I would love to be able to work.  Everyone I know who is disabled would love to be able to work.  Sometimes you just don’t get what you want.

I seem to keep alluding to songs in my posts.  What’s up with that?

Boxed in

Some people seem to think that being disabled or being on disability means not having to work.  They have it backwards.

It means that you can’t work.  No matter how much you want to, no matter how many ideas you may have, you can’t work.

You don’t stop thinking about it and trying and dreaming and hoping – and it drives you crazy.

Wherever you go or whatever you do that disability is with you, limiting you, keeping you down.  You can’t get away from it or break out to do what you want to do.  It’s like being locked in a box.

This isn’t a vacation – vacations are great.  Time off from a job can be wonderful.  You get to step back, relax and recharge yourself.

Being on disability is not a vacation, it’s hellish, and there is no vacation from it.

Income tax

It’s true that many people on disability do not pay income tax – usually because they don’t make enough to pay taxes.

My wife and I are both disabled.  We have private disability insurance.  We pay income tax.

I doubt we’re the only ones.

Just a clarification

That pension I mentioned does not have a lot of money in it.  I only worked for that company for something like 18 months.  If anyone out there remembers how long they owned the company let me know.

As a monthly annuity it wouldn’t cover either my prescriptions or food for a week.  As a lump sum it wouldn’t cover my medical expenses for a year – maybe not even for 6 months.

Still, it has more in it than that 401(k).

Redefined benefits

I was reminded recently of the dramatic difference between pensions and 401(k)s. 

A company I worked for briefly back in the 1990s is trying to clear participants out of their pension so I got an offer to take my money out.  That makes sense and I have no problem with it.  But it illustrates what employees have lost with the replacement of pensions with 401(k)s.  I do not have a lot of money in this thing, but this pension has more money in it than I got out of a fully vested 401(k) that I participated in with maximum contributions with a maximum employer match.  And the funds in that 401(k) were very well managed.

The pension has more in it than the 401(k) I was in for twice as long.

401(k)s were created to provide an opportunity to people who didn’t have pensions, but instead companies have been replacing pensions with 401(k)s.  Not only do 401(k)s save the employer money, savings that aren’t shared with the employee, they also pump a lot of money into Wall Street where it can just disappear.  Pensions can be raided, but with 401(k)s there are no real obstacles and much higher risks.

Not all companies have eliminated their pensions and of course not all companies can afford pensions; defined benefit plans are more expensive than defined contribution plans.  But a lot of companies that can afford them have replaced them with the riskier and less profitable for the employee 401(k).  The NFL is trying to do it to the referees now.

Unions and workers are attacked for having the outrageous benefit of a pension, even though they often take less salary in exchange for it.  What’s outrageous with negotiating for a benefit?  Is asking for a higher salary outrageous?  Of course it costs money – doing business costs money.  So does teaching students, fighting fires and stopping criminals.  Is compensation for work a bad thing now?

Suppliers and vendors are paid in full; CEO and executive salaries, bonuses and retirement packages are paid in full; why should employees be an exception?  Isn’t it more outrageous that more people don’t have pensions?  Shouldn’t more people be in unions so they can negotiate for a pension?

We shouldn’t criticize pensions.  They are a good benefit and offer a chance at a secure retirement that 401(k)s simply can’t match.  I’m not saying everyone should go out and protest over this.  I haven’t been as active as I should have been.  Just don’t fall for the smears of people with pensions.  Don’t buy into the divisive tactics that castigate people with pensions as getting something they don’t deserve.  Rather than taking pensions away from people who have them more employees should get them.

Consider that when you vote.

Lessons and examples from riding

The mount and dismount issues when I am riding my bike are very definite and highlight an ongoing problem that I have.  I don’t know if I can get better at this, it might be something I can’t improve at.  But, it might fall into a class of issue I have with movement and if that is the case I think that it can be improved.

The problem with being completely deconditioned the way I was, where every muscle has atrophied, is that every muscle then needs to be rebuilt and strengthened – or reconditioned.  That would be fine if you were five years old.  Right after this all happened to me someone I knew said that I was just like his 5 year old son.  And it was true.  What kids do, among other things, is strengthen and condition their bodies.  That’s what play is.  Kids move everything.

So do some athletes, which means that there are ways to train your body.  If I were 20 I would probably be better off, but I’m already at the age where natural deterioration takes place.  Whatever.  I’m still going to try.

The real problem is that I have still not moved my body in every way that it can be moved.  I still find examples of this when I try to do something that I haven’t done since I was in the hospital.  It happened with walking, then walking backwards, reaching and bending and various other things that you take for granted.  You don’t realize just how much and in how many ways you have trained your body over the course of your life.  When you don’t move a muscle for 2 months you need to build all of that back again.  But it is an incremental process and some things just don’t have priority.  Until one day you try to do something and your body just says no.

Case in point: getting on and off of a bicycle.  I haven’t had occasion to move my leg in that way lately so I can’t.  But if it is just a matter of conditioning and not some deeper problem I should be able to improve.  I knew that I would need to focus on stretching if I got into this.  The specific exercise will tighten my muscles and I need to counter that.  I sort of knew that I would need to work on getting on the bike as well but I was thinking about coordination.  Now I know that I need to stretch as well so that I can put my body in that position.

So, I will work on that.

One good thing is that I seem to be balancing OK.  I wouldn’t trust my body to handle any sudden movements or adjustments but I do fine just riding around the neighborhood.  That’s enough for now.  I wasn’t sure that much was even possible so I’m happy.

As for the rest, I think it will come in time.  Until then, and even if it doesn’t happen, I’m going to keep on riding.

Day 2

I rode a little today, trying to get into a routine and build up my riding ability as well as my endurance.

And by rode a little I do mean a little.  I didn’t check the distance but I just rode around the neighborhood for a while.

I didn’t go very far, but it was fun.

And I have been very lucky with the weather.  Yesterday and today were beautiful and I really enjoyed the rides.

Bonus points if you can find the extremely oblique and not really there but it made me think of it song connection in there.

I want to ride my bike

There, I said it.

Wednesday I spend a few hours at the dentist.  Thursday I wake up feeling like I was hit in the face.  So what do I do?  I drag my bike to the shop to get it checked out.

Today my teeth hurt, my gums are sore and my lip is still swollen and I am thinking about riding my bike.  I think a psychologist could have some fun with my behavior.  I certainly seem to be fixated on this idea of riding as a way to improve my condition.  Or maybe I’m just obsessed.

Riding is supposed to be good for you but I don’t know how healthy this behavior is.

Today I got the bike back from the shop and decided to try to ride it right away just to see if I could.

I was a little wobbly leaning on the car to test the seat height – it was a little high – but once I started, and got off of the grass, it wasn’t too bad.  I set off down the driveway and out into the street and I was riding.  Yay!  The steering on this bike is very sensitive so I have to be careful there, but moving does help with the balance so that worked out well.

However, I actually hurt myself trying to get on the bike.  It seemed so natural just standing on the pedal, pushing off and swinging my leg over the saddle.  Unfortunately right now not being flexible enough to do that without hurting myself is also natural.  I was afraid of that – I didn’t feel that confident no matter how natural things might have been.  I managed not to fall over but it was a close call.  What I need to do is get my leg over the cross bar by leaning the bike over while standing, get on the pedals and then sit down once I am moving.  Getting off is about the same though it comes across as more of a controlled fall as I get off the saddle, step off the pedals and to the left to get my feet on the ground.

I do not actually fit this bike as my legs are a little short so I can’t straddle it with the bike upright.  Hence the lean to the left to get both feet on the ground.  It ain’t pretty but it works.

I am woefully out of shape and can not go very far.  We’re talking fractions of a mile here.  My muscles were letting me know from the start that they haven’t been used in this way in a long time.  I expect to be very sore on Monday.  Still, I am considering going out again tomorrow.  I won’t go very far and I won’t be out for very long, but I’ll do what I can.

Right now I am just inordinately happy that I can actually ride.

And I might be just a little bit obsessed.

There’s a song title that fits this post

I used to ride a lot, when I was much, much younger.  I’ve ridden as an adult, not nearly as often as when I was young, but I got myself a nice bicycle 15 or so years ago and I rode occasionally.

Now I haven’t even been able to ride at all in quite a long time, maybe 10 years.  First I had a knee problem and then there was that whole 2 months in the hospital thing.

But lately I’ve been thinking a lot about riding.  I have no idea why.  I always loved it and it may just be that it’s one of those things that I feel has been taken away from me and I want to get it back.  Personally I think I’m being irrational.

Be that as it may I dragged my bike to the shop today to see what kind of shape it was in.  Turns out it’s in much better shape than I am.  Ten years sitting in the basement, even with the sump-pump failure episode, have done no damage.  The bike is in great shape and only needs a tune-up.

If only the same could be said about me.  I am in decrepit shape and there isn’t anything that can be done about most of my issues.  Still, I think I am going to try this.  I don’t even know if I can still ride.  Of course everyone says that you never forget and it will all come back to me and it will be easy because I can take it easy to start.  That is all true, but there’s more to this than just being rusty.  My body doesn’t have the ability it once did.  I have balance issues and even though the bicycle supplies some of that for you with the gyroscopic effect of the turning wheels, I have my doubts.

If my balance issues are all due to nerve damage in my legs, ankles and feet then I should be OK.  If the balance issues are brain or head related then the bike won’t help that much.  Beyond that I don’t even know if I’m coordinated enough to get on or off of a bicycle.  Well, I can always get off of the thing.  Falling can accomplish that.

I am really excited about picking up the bike on Saturday.  I am going to give this a good try.  To hell with any problems I have.  I’m just going to do it.  I am not, however, going to ask my doctors first since they might say that I shouldn’t.  As I have said before, I have to try.

Well, that was long and rambling and more or less pointless, but sometimes that’s the reason for this blog.  I share so other people can see what someone else is doing.

‘

Thanks for letting me work all of this out in public.

Revolution(ary) thoughts

Is it possible that the electricity is going to be turned off to save the planet or some idiotic premise like that?

Or did someone just mash together The Hunger Games, Lost and The Postman to come up with a TV show?

OK, too harsh, but the commercials just make this thing look plain stupid.

Bullshit argument about Social Security

A lot of people like to talk about the increase in life expectancy since Social Security started as a reason we need to reform Social Security and Medicare but it’s bullshit.  They cite an increase of more than 19 years.

The average life expectancy of a US citizen in 1930 was 59.2 years of age.

The average life expectancy of a US citizen in 2009 was 78.5 years of age.

However, consider this.

The average life expectancy of a US citizen who reached age 65 in 1930 was 77.2 years of age.

The average life expectancy of a US citizen who reached age 65 in 2009 was 84.2 years of age.

The increase in life expectancy of a retiree was only 7 years.

Not to mention that the actuaries who worked on Social Security in the 1930s considered an increase in life expectancy when they calculated the funding needed for Social Security.  They even got the population distribution by age in the 21^st Century right to within a few percentage points.

You know what they didn’t figure on?  They didn’t think that we would have the income inequality that we have today.  They thought that a larger percentage of the income in the country would be funding Social Security.  But today a large part of that income is exempt from Social Security taxes.  That’s why the funding scheme had to be changed in the 1980s.

But you see, the Social Security tax rates were changed and the retirement age was raised back when Reagan was president.  And those changes made Social Security, well, secure, well into the 21^st Century.

A very minor change, raising the cap on taxable income so that income over $106k is subject to FICA taxes, would fully fund Social Security pretty much forever.

It isn’t really funny that no one ever mentions this solution to any problems, however minor they might be, that exist with Social Security.  It’s interesting, but it isn’t funny.  Despicable is more the word that comes to mind.  Especially when there is talk of cutting benefits because life expectancy has increased so much and no one ever foresaw that so our only option is to make reforms that cut Social Security benefits which is in fact complete and utter bullshit.

It is bullshit.  I want to emphasize that.  No one who uses that argument is being serious and they should not be taken seriously.  Look at the numbers again.  The life expectancy of a retiree hasn’t increased by 20 years, it has increased by 7 years.  That was all figured in 80 years ago and income inequality was corrected for 30 years ago.

The life expectancy argument is bullshit.  It is only ever used to argue in favor of cutting benefits.  And it is bullshit.

Did I mention that it is bullshit?  Well, it is.

And Social Security has never added one cent to the deficit.

Mouth issues, temporarily, settled

I survived the dentist yesterday more or less intact.  I mean, he did work on three teeth so there are pieces missing but they’ve been replaced.

The tooth pain has been alleviated, as far as I can tell, since I now feel as if I was hit in the face.

Still, all things considered, a good outcome.  I go back in a couple of weeks to get the crown put on.  Maybe by then I’ll be able to pay for it.

Hope springs eternal.


And I must add that this is just an update for those who knew of this event, not a plea for sympathy, as I know that there are other people with much worse emergency dental issues than I have.

Now, as far as chronic, multiple issues, there I may have the edge.