It’s all in the reflexes

I’ve mentioned before how I can’t do the things that I used to do, that I’ve lost many of the various abilities that a body accrues from a lifetime of movement.  And until I try to do something I don’t even know that anything is missing.

Forget that for now, because I want to talk about the trying and some things that I’ve retained.

Sometimes, I find myself trying to do things that I am surprised I even remember.  I can’t get on my bike in the usual way, but even doubting I could I tried.  It was just the natural thing to do.  I have seen this happen for all sorts of things with cycling.  All of the little things you learn how to do to control the bike, ways of pedaling, shifting, handling bumps and potholes and manhole covers and rough patches in the road, negotiating turns and bumps and curves – the reflex is still there.

All of this became so ingrained in my mind and my body when I was a child that it has survived the ravages of time and illness.  Maybe I haven’t remembered everything – after all you don’t know if you don’t remember – but I don’t care.  It’s fun to find myself doing things that aren’t every day activities but that used to be second nature.  And doing it without even thinking.

I don’t even care if I can’t do it well, or even at all.  It’s the fact that I try that I think is cool.

Just to keep things real

I can ride for about 15 minutes, then I collapse into a recliner, immobile, for at least 2 hours.  The rest of the day I spend recovering from exhaustion and stiffness and sore muscles.

That is the limit of my cycling ability.

I am enjoying myself but boy I am barely off the starting line here.

But at least I’m enjoying the ride

Back to optimism, of sorts.

I am concerned that I am expecting too much from riding my bike.  I seem to be expecting cycling to do everything for me, as if it will increase my energy, reduce my fatigue, make me stronger, give me bright eyes and a shiny coat.

I’m also concerned that I will have a serious problem if this doesn’t work – or if it doesn’t make everything better.  Well, maybe not a serious problem, but I really am hoping that this will do a lot for me and that may not be realistic.  This is a promising start and that on its own is a good thing.  Even if I get a minimum benefit from this that will still be a benefit.

I’m enjoying this and I am going to keep doing it.  I just need to be realistic.

I may love doing this just because it is something that I am able to do and it is important to me because of that.  My unrealistic expectations don’t make it a bad thing.  I’m just fixated on it – current rants on here notwithstanding – and I need to be sure that it doesn’t distract me or delude me from seeing what else needs to be done or the problems that still exist.  As the ‘Boxed in’ entry said, this disability is not something that I can get away from.  No matter how hard I pedal.

Then again I’m not really trying to do that.  I may be trying to distract myself for a time and do something that I enjoy and get away from things for a while.  I don’t see anything wrong with that and looking forward to riding is helping me in many ways.  What I can’t do is let myself see this as the perfect and immediate solution.

Being able to ride was a bigger deal than maybe even my babbling about it can relate.  I got the idea into my head that I wanted to do this – that I needed to do this – that this was a major and vital step in improving my health.  I made it a big deal and I was expecting to be let down when I couldn’t ride.  But I could.  That success looks like a major leap but it isn’t yet.  It is a little step.  It is a step in the right direction but it wasn’t a jump right to the finish line.

I’m hoping that writing this is enough evidence that I am aware of the limitations both of myself and this latest idea I have of what I need to do.  Cycling is not a solution.  Cycling is a step in the right direction.  It offers a lot that can help me. 

I am still in the very early stages of this.  I might not get very far before the weather gets bad enough to force me to stop.  If I put too much into this it could all fall apart – I could fall apart – when I have to stop either for the winter or for some other reason.

So I need to keep my head clear about this and keep looking ahead to other things.  And I will keep cycling, not put too much emphasis on it, and I will keep thinking about its place in my progress.

That and I will buy myself a new saddle.  My posterior just can’t handle the hybrid seat design anymore.  All my padding seems to be higher and in the front.  Go figure.

Self awareness

Yes, I am very aware of the fact that, as far as disabilities go, I am extremely fortunate to be where I am and not much worse off.

I’m lucky just to be alive.

But I am disabled and to say it is frustrating just doesn’t come close enough sometimes.

Blame the brain injury if you want.

Whatever the reason I felt the way I did to write that last post, it is true, for a lot of people.

And if you’re reading this and think you don’t have enough of a problem to complain sometimes, just remember what a physical therapist once told me when I said I felt guilty because I wasn’t as bad as some of the other people at rehab: Everyone has their own level of disability and needs help.

He was serious and he was right and he seriously wanted to help me get better so that I could be as good as I could be. 

I guess it’s OK to feel sorry for yourself sometimes, just don’t wallow in it.  I usually only get as bad as that when I hear people talk about how people on disability are lazy fakers who just want to mooch off the government.  I guess that’s how they justify cutting social services and still sleep at night.

I would love to be able to work.  Everyone I know who is disabled would love to be able to work.  Sometimes you just don’t get what you want.

I seem to keep alluding to songs in my posts.  What’s up with that?

Boxed in

Some people seem to think that being disabled or being on disability means not having to work.  They have it backwards.

It means that you can’t work.  No matter how much you want to, no matter how many ideas you may have, you can’t work.

You don’t stop thinking about it and trying and dreaming and hoping – and it drives you crazy.

Wherever you go or whatever you do that disability is with you, limiting you, keeping you down.  You can’t get away from it or break out to do what you want to do.  It’s like being locked in a box.

This isn’t a vacation – vacations are great.  Time off from a job can be wonderful.  You get to step back, relax and recharge yourself.

Being on disability is not a vacation, it’s hellish, and there is no vacation from it.

Income tax

It’s true that many people on disability do not pay income tax – usually because they don’t make enough to pay taxes.

My wife and I are both disabled.  We have private disability insurance.  We pay income tax.

I doubt we’re the only ones.

Just a clarification

That pension I mentioned does not have a lot of money in it.  I only worked for that company for something like 18 months.  If anyone out there remembers how long they owned the company let me know.

As a monthly annuity it wouldn’t cover either my prescriptions or food for a week.  As a lump sum it wouldn’t cover my medical expenses for a year – maybe not even for 6 months.

Still, it has more in it than that 401(k).