Merry Christmas

I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

I got to be Santa Claus

My wife and I know some people who are involved in animal rescue and adoption. For 5 or 10 years they have been raising money by doing a pet photo with Santa day. Lately they’ve been doing the thing at PetSmart where they set up and split the proceeds – it gets a good crowd and more advertising. The first year, though, they did it at the animal hospital they work out of. And for whatever reason they asked me to be Santa. Just so you kids understand, while Santa can get around the whole world in one night, a lot of us try to help out around Christmas time so that he doesn’t have to be all over the place all at once. So before Christmas, some of us volunteer so he can have some extra time during this really busy time of the year.

So I was asked to play Santa for the pets and I thought it was a pretty cool idea. They told me that they had everything I needed including a Santa suit. But they had one of the cheap ones. I was working, and I wanted to go all out, so I went to a local costume shop that did costumes for professional events (parades and major theater productions) and I rented a really fancy Santa outfit. It was a nice, plush velvet suit trimmed in (fake) fur, a big belt, hat, beard, glasses, white gloves and some makeup to cover the hair I had that wasn’t white. I also got myself some boots and some fiberfill for padding. When I was finished getting dressed I looked pretty good. The animal rescue people set up a little spot in the waiting room of the vet with a chair for me, a nice backdrop and the tree they already had there. It was a nice setup. Of course, I had no idea what I was doing.

The day was well planned. First they brought out all of the animals they had for adoption. They wanted to use the Santa pictures to help find homes for the pets. They had all sorts of cats and dogs come out to have their pictures taken with Santa, including Bullet – the cat that was found living at a shooting range, and Squash. Squash was a cat that was run over by a car. He had his jaw wired shut, bandages wrapped around him, drains and a feeding tube. He was put on a little table in front of me and I wrapped my arms around him in just the right way to hide all of the various bandages. He was a great cat. He didn’t complain and he was kind of cute. He was adopted – by a vet tech.

After the shelter animals, the day was split into cats and dogs. The cats were there before lunch – long hair, short hair, large and small, all breeds. One woman even brought in three Maine Coon cats at one time. I could barely hold all three at once, but it worked. Everyone was well behaved, and the cat photos worked out pretty well. After lunch the dogs showed. Cats are a little hard to get to cooperate, but if they’re calm enough to bring in they can be handled even if they do get a little nervous and maybe get their claws out a bit. Dogs, however, can be more insistent about their resistance. The little dogs squirm and the big ones try to get away or drag you with them. When you’re wearing slippery Santa gloves, that can be a problem.

But it all worked out. I held the little dogs on my lap or in my arms, just like the cats. The medium sized dogs sat next to me and the big ones sat on the floor in front of me and I made sure we were both in the picture. With multiple dogs, you just fit them wherever there’s room. One of the dogs, which actually belonged to one of the techs, was a bit of a problem. She was a bulldog with an attitude, but I’m being redundant. I think I handled her well. She really only liked one person, but she didn’t seem to hate me all that much. I was just careful to watch out for her, um, attitude.

Then there was the dog that just would not look at the camera. The girl taking the pictures, who did a great job, just could not get this dog’s attention no matter what. She made noise, waved things and squeaked toys. I couldn’t just hold the dog’s head pointing at the camera because that wouldn’t look right. So the two other girls who were helping with the animals started to try to get the dog’s attention. Then my wife started waving a toy to get the dog’s attention. When it was all over, there was the photographer waving, two people making noise, my wife waving a toy and a fifth person who went hopping by on one foot making noise and waving her arms. The dog looked up. The camera flashed. We got a good picture. I almost fell over in a fit of laughter. Oh I wish I had a camera. I don’t know how I held it in for the picture because I almost fell on the floor.

Besides all of the animals, there were also some family members who got their pictures taken as well. Not everyone planned on that, but when they showed up, and Santa was there, some of them just decided to go ahead with it. Sometimes it was a family shot with the animal, sometimes just the kids and usually it was people who had dressed up just for the occasion.

Then there was this one kid. He was about 10 years old and he came in with his family – parents and siblings – to get a picture of the family dog with Santa. All they wanted was a picture of the dog, nothing with the family. And they all had fun with it. It was a quiet setting because everything had been well planned and people came in at well spaced times. There was a nice spot with me as Santa, and a tree and presents and a nice backdrop. There were just a few other people around. It made for a very calm environment. The picture with the dog went well and we finished that.

And then we got a very touching question. The parents asked if they could get a picture of just their son with Santa. This was a pet photo session, so they weren’t sure if it was something they should ask or not. We were in a vet’s office, and they had only paid for a pet photo, so they hesitated a little. It was just that the son was really happy and excited to see Santa. There are plenty of places to get a picture of a kid with Santa in a mall or a big store. But malls are noisy and bright and crowded with lots of kids and parents and shoppers and lights and decorations. That was all just a little too much for this boy, though. He was autistic and that sort of thing made him very upset. He was too afraid to ever go to a mall to see Santa. But this was different. This was just his family and a few other people in a calm setting and his dog was there. The boy was excited to see Santa yet calm and his parents wondered if maybe they could get a picture because they just never had an opportunity to do that with their son. Of course the answer was yes.

So I got to be Santa for a boy who would never have had a picture with Santa any other way.

You know, all I did was sit there. Oh, I acted the part and I talked to him in a quiet and friendly voice, but it really isn’t that much to do. But if I ever wondered about the money I spent on that costume when I rented it…

It’s been years since this happened, and I’ve been Santa since then, but I am never going to forget that moment. I was very lucky to be there that day and be Santa for that boy. I don’t know what I did to deserve that, but I am very grateful.

Oh, and if you were wondering, I did get peed on - just once, by the last dog of the day.

Happy Merry

My posts got a little messed up earlier, I hope all remains stable now.

The posts below are deliberately short. I just wanted to wish all well and leave you to your own traditions. I like to take notice of the Solstice because I believe that we all need to be more aware of the world around us and taking note of celestial events is a way to do that. Modern rhythms are not natural, the world is – though our celebrations aren’t necessarily. It’s a bit of a paradoxical way to see the world, but it’s mine.

Chanukah is not a celebration in my family tradition, but I hope for those of you who it is that you have a great time with your family and friends and community. I believe that keeping our own traditions and celebrating is very important.

We need to keep connected. The days of the year mark the moments we use to keep ourselves grounded within our traditions and our lives.

When I have a similar simple post as those below in a few days, it is meant to convey the same message. I try to use this time of year to reestablish something that I really can’t describe. Lately I haven’t been doing too good a job of it. Life got away from me. I want to gather it back in again. So I wanted to mark dates for myself, and for anyone else who wants to try to do the same thing: grab ahold of a day and use it to build meaning in your life.

I think I’ll make a goal for next year of figuring out exactly what I mean by all of this and distilling the essence out into a simple statement.

Happy Hanukkah

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

Winter Solstice

Here’s wishing everyone a Happy Solstice.

Reconnecting, momentarily

All evidence to the contrary, I did survive the weekend party. It was great fun and well worth the depth of exhaustion that followed. I have made it through the week and am almost back on my feet. It will take longer to recover, but I don't care. Sometimes you just have to say screw it and push your limits.

I had a lot of fun, saw friends that I see far too infrequently (and that is an understatement of massive proportions) and just had an all around good time. There are other friends that I haven't had a chance to see, and I want to correct that as soon as possible. Logistics are sometimes a problem.

I hope that everyone else out there has been able to have at least one day of fun this holiday season. And I use that word in the inclusive nature it was used for when I was young.

More posts about Santa to come, but first some more rest.

Ho, ho – ouch!

You may have seen a news story this past week about the volunteer Santa who got bit by a large cat – a very large cat. The animal is supposedly a type of domesticated cat cross-bred from a house cat and a bobcat. It’s a gorgeous animal, but apparently it got nervous and bit the guy playing Santa. Now, I know that the real Santa would not have had a problem, but sometimes the people who help out do have some problems.

I imagine that a cat with a big bite really hurts. Whether such a large cat should have been there or not, that is one of the risks. I’ve done it myself – played Santa, not bitten one. The last couple of times (before I got sick) were at a PetSmart for a charity, just like this guy. At one point I had a very large bulldog who was friendly, but did not want to stay on the bench with me. I was pretty strong at the time, but it was a little tricky. The dog eventually cooperated some after I became more insistent. At least I didn’t get bit. I did get peed on by one dog, but that wasn’t at a PetSmart. Then there were the guys who brought their five chihuahuas, all of them dressed up for their photos. That was a riot, and it worked out just fine.

Mostly you get a good a range of cats and dogs of all sizes, including some very small but cute dogs. Sometimes the animals come in costume. Some of them cooperate, some don’t want to sit still, some of the little ones you have to hold and they can get squirmy. But nothing really strange happens. Though there was an unusual (for a Santa picture) animal the last time I was Santa. These events are advertised in advance so people have time to make plans, and someone really wanted a picture of their pet with Santa. So they brought their horse. Yep, their horse.

They parked right by the door and just brought their horse right into the store. It was pretty cool. It was a small horse, probably best described as a pony. I stood next to it with my arm around its neck, and even though it was a little nervous about being in the store, it was well behaved. A little fidgeting, but no biting. I think once it figured out that I wasn’t trying to do anything, just stand there, and that no one else was going to do anything too weird, it settled down. It even looked at the camera. I got a kick out of it – OK, poor choice of words – it was cool. I was really glad that I got to be the Santa for the pony.

Playing Santa can be a lot of fun, even if all you do is have your picture taken with pets. It can also be very gratifying as some people and some families are very involved with their pets. Getting that picture of their pet with Santa can be a big deal, and not just for the kids. And I always did my best to be in character as Santa since there were children in the store.

But there can be more than that. If you’re lucky enough to be Santa in the right place at the right time, you can have a really rewarding experience – and I’m going to leave that as a teaser for another post to come very soon.

Running on empty

Sorry about being gone for so long. My wife has been having a bad time of it lately, and both of us have had quite a few doctor appointments to go to. Because of that I have been hitting the wall that I run into whenever I do anything for any length of time.

If I have two or three appointments in a week, I can use the next few days to a week to recover. If I do something two or three times a week for two weeks I will reach a limit and need longer to recover. If I do that for more than two weeks I start to go downhill. Whatever rest I get no longer counts towards recovery, at best it just maintains me at my depleted levels. After three or four weeks of this, or if I have a day where I really exert myself, I just keep getting worse. Every day of activity takes me further down. At that point I need to do absolutely nothing for a while and take the time to recover.

I am, however, coming up on an event that will count as one of those major exertions. I know better than to push myself past my limits like this. I’ve done it before, out of necessity, and it hurts. Of course, I’m still going to do this one thing. It’s this coming Sunday, and I will do my best to appear to be a normal person – well, what passes for normal with me. I will talk, and laugh, and let loose my sick sense of humor, and move around too much and I will enjoy myself to no end.

I will suffer for it, but it will be worth it. This is an annual Christmas party that I attend. It is a large gathering of many friends. Three years ago I made it to this party when I had been out of the hospital for less than three months. It was an important step for me. It took me a month, maybe more, to recover, but I would not have missed it for the world. That just happened to be the 20^th year that I had been going to this party with these people. It was fantastic. It went a long way towards making me feel better and like myself.

Damn straight I’m going this year.

Look, up in the sky - or not

Looks like my advice about watching the skies should be ignored. Apparently the Moon will be far enough away from Jupiter and Venus tonight to make it all less impressive. If it's clear enough I'll check myself to see if it was only worth looking at last night. If so, I was mighty lucky.

Still working on November

Well, since NaNo ended on the 30th, I meant to post this yesterday and I'm barely making it today as it is. But yesterday my computer's hard drive started making some very interesting noises. So I spent most of the day first trying to get the machine to start, then making sure that everything was backed up. Such fun. I did have much of it backed up, but it wasn't until that sound started that I realized there were some other things that I really needed to keep.

Today I had to get a few things done, including getting some x-rays. On a good note, as I left the radiology shop, I saw the crescent Moon and Jupiter and Venus. I only got a few moments look because the clouds moved in, but if you get a chance take a look. It is an amazing sight. Of course, on the way home my glasses broke while I was driving and my left lens bounced onto the floor. I had to drive home in the rain with one eye closed. I have glasses that have a nylon cord on the bottom to hold the lenses and it broke so I couldn't just pop the lens back in. Luckily, the less than a year old America's Best Contacts and Glasses near home was open and they fixed it for me for free. Lucky them - I need new glasses so they'll get my business.

On to yesterday's news. I won NaNoWriMo. I now (yesterday) have just over 50k words of gibberish. Pay no attention to any word counts you may see, apparently the NaNo word counter interpreted some of my more esoteric punctuation as extra words. But I do have just over 50k. I said that I expected to have a Draft -5 completed, but now that I am done I would have to say that this version is actually Drat -7.2. Now the task of turning this into something presentable.

Now I have to catch up with some of the things I wanted to get done in November.

Remember to get a look at the astronomical sight, it really is pretty cool.

Black Friday

I hope that you have all recovered from any over eating, hangovers or family arguments that may have erupted.

I didn't see it live, but if you had watched the whole Macy's parade, you could have seen the nation get RickRolled by the Cartoon Network. You can see it here.

Now you can take some time to recover from that.

And next – leftovers. For dinner that is.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.

Sit back, relax, watch a parade; watch a football game if you can find a good one; cheer for your high school football team; eat some turkey or whatever fits your holiday tradition – but not too much; fight off the tryptophan; give thanks and be thankful.

I hope everyone is safe and satisfied and has some things to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my wife, my life, my family and my friends.

And if you have 18½ minutes to spare, watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_7C0QGkiVo

Trivia Question: what do Richard Nixon and his White House Library, Rose Mary Woods and Arlo Guthrie have in common?

Happy Thanksgiving!

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

So I hit 50 and my brain shuts down, is that how it works?

That could explain why I disappeared from here for more than a week. But actually I think that maybe it was the fact that this NaNoWriMo thing has taken up all of my useable brain function. Apparently I can’t try to crank out words, however lamely, and blog at the same time. OK, that and the dozen or so doctor visits my wife and I have had over the past three weeks.

I’ve definitely been distracted while working on this thing, maybe because I’m still not in love with it, even if I do like the idea and the characters.* I am getting a decent word count, though. Now if only they made sense.

So, maybe I can get back to better blogging when November is over, something with more content than I’ve managed lately. For now, with the holiday tomorrow, I’ll keep it simple.

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving, and a safe and traffic jam free one.

*The rules say that the NaNovel has to be started Nov. 1^st, and I didn’t really have anything not yet started that I really wanted to do. In case you were wondering why I was working on something that I don’t seem to like very much.

Bring on the paleontologists

A friend told me about someone they know who almost died and they started counting their birthdays over again from that point. I guess that makes me three years old.

Officially, however, I am 50 years old today.

Emotionally, well, let’s just leave that one alone.

I think there’s some hill or something that I’m supposed to be worried about. If I’m over it, then all the uphill, hard part is over so it should be easy from here on in. And if I’m not over it, the top should be in sight, or I’m standing on it. Whichever one it is it seems to be a pretty good spot to be in.

At least that’s my position and I’m sticking to it.

Time to make the word count

I went missing from here again for awhile. Sorry 'bout that.

I had a few rough days and I've been kind of tired. Both my wife and I have had a lot of appointments lately, not to mention some bad days. I needed a few days in between doctors and such to recover. I had in mind to do some new things in November. I wanted to try some realignment - rethinking how I handled parts of my life and working out new strategies for moving forward. I also wanted to get some more content on this blog, and not just words. Well, best laid plans and all that. Life got in the way just a bit with me doing things in general, with day to day stuff, and in a big way with me blogging. My brain has been fried, so no coherent thoughts on here.

But I'm still working on it. I have the ideas about life, but I need to put it into words and deeds.

Writing-wise I've had some lousy days, but I've also had a few good ones. Now, I'm not saying that I'm writing anything great. I'm just saying that the words are there.

I am embracing the NaNoWriMo ideal of just writing - no editing, no deleting, no spell-check even, just typing. So, if a finished first draft of a novel is draft 1, and a very rough draft is draft 0, then if I get this thing done I will have draft -5.

What I have is not just in need of polishing, it is in need of, well, fire-polishing in the cleansing heat at the heart of the sun.

Low Word Count Weekend

This will not be a profound post. That may not be a surprise to some of you.

I have been in a bit of a mental fog for a few days, so I need to sort that out before any deep thoughts come your way on here.

I will say that I actually liked what I wrote on Friday. It's not great, it needs polishing, but it is a scene that fits and does what needs to be done. Saturday, however, I will refer to as No Word Count Saturday. I wrote not a word. I said I was in a fog.

I got a surprising 1200 some words today, just describing a location and modifying a scene. So, not as productive a weekend as I had hoped. I'll just have to wait and see what next week will bring.

The first Tuesday after the first Monday in November

So go vote, if you haven't already.

NaNoWriMo Day 3

Just keeping Monday more or less light and frivolous.

Went with my wife to the doctor today. Still, with my sleep pattern I was writing last night after midnight as well as this evening. So I got through another day with decent word count, even though some of it will definitely not make it into a final product. I like parts of it, but not the whole thing yet. I need to get further into the story and introduce some more characters. Maybe then I'll like it better. It seemed OK in my head but not OK as much when I started to write it.

Oh well, we'll see. I do like the characters though. They're a lot of fun and I think interesting.

Some day, someone else can tell me what they think of them.

Day one done and day two done

Day 1 went OK. I got a good start, even if none of it made any sense. I got a decent word count, but I am not in love with this story. It just seems to be missing something. Oh well, I’ll just wait and see what happens.

Day 2 was pretty good as well. I expanded the beginning - I got an idea while I was being used as a bed by a cat. Then of course I went back to what I had thought of before that. Either way, I have a beginning. I also have a few other things going on and I am starting to see some potential, but it still isn’t really there yet.

So, I have a decent word count. Emphasis on the count. This is still utter crap. Of course, the idea of NaNoWriMo is to focus on quantity, not quality. Just get it done and edit later.

Well, that’s where I am, quantity, but I want quality. As much as I don’t love this story, writing it is fun. Well, once I get past the spot I’m working on at the moment it will be.

OK, even this is fun, but the rest will be more fun.

The game is afoot!

12:00 November 1^st. NaNoWriMo 2008 begins.

I have, for now, moved to a default position. The pseudo-steampunk story and the silly fantasy still have no plots. Therefore I am going to start on an old idea, so old that I have no notes in electronic version for this one. I have a semblance of a plot, a decent framework anyway; a few characters but only one has a name, and that is a last name, and he doesn’t actually appear in the body of the novel; and I have already removed one character before I have even started.

It is, since you ask, a horror novel. Not the fun story that I wanted to do, but I like the idea and the characters.

Now on with the writing.

Good luck to one and all, whether you are in this crazy game or not.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween to everyone.

I hope everyone has a great day and a fun evening just as spooky - or not - as you want it to be.

It is also my 21st anniversary. We wore masks to our reception, and yes, we gave out candy to trick-or-treaters. I will leave it to you to figure out the logistics.


By the way, did anyone hear about things going on in Grovers Mill last night? I can't seem to get any news out of the area.




The countdown to NaNoWriMo continues.

Warning! Danger!

Just a couple quick warnings.

First, there are still some things about my condition and medical history that I need to post, for myself and for others. So, if you are interested consider this a notice, otherwise it counts as fair warning. Nothing right now, but in the future.

Second, everyone check this out if you haven’t already.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081022/ap_on_sc/sci_scotch_tape_surprise

I don’t know about you, but I won’t be wrapping any presents in a vacuum this year. Makes you wonder what else is going on that we don’t know about. What do Post-It notes do, generate gamma rays? And what about duct tape?

Further that last post

I said that I wanted to write something fun and I realize that the ideas I listed may not seem like fun stories.

To be clear, the fantasy idea is definitely a fun one, albeit with elements of conflict and such as necessary to make it an interesting story.

The silly horror story doesn’t sound like it would be fun, but it definitely might be – or not, now that I think of it.

I have to admit that the SF story would not really be fun, but it is familiar to my brain – notwithstanding the constant changes in plot elements – and while serious it is not a dark story. That doesn’t sound like so much fun either, does it?

The alternate history/pseudo-steampunk one would be fun in parts and will be partly in nature because it is an adventure story, and it sure would be a blast to write.

So, that’s half. Not so much fun in there. I either have to change my list, redefine my idea of fun or change my criteria. Or pick one of those two stories. Oh well, with my luck I’ll come up with some other idea next week, that is fun, but with no plot, then I’ll get hooked on that idea and I’ll have no clue what to do.

Now that sounds like fun.

Like a whirlpool it never ends

I spent half of yesterday dizzy – no comments, please. Well, except “Blech.” I've had worse episodes, but it was not a fun time. I imagine that it was something in my back and shoulders and neck messing with nerves that did it. You’d be surprised how problems can spread. Doctors are always asking me if I get dizzy. Yeah, I do. Now what are you going to do about it?

Anyway. As far as this NaNo thing goes, I have a few ideas bouncing around in my head – hey, there’s plenty of room in there. At the moment the front runners are the silly fantasy idea, an SF idea, a pseudo-steampunk/alternate history concept and a silly horror story (no that is not an oxymoron, it really is a combination of the two). The problem is that I have no plot for the first, no coherent idea on the second (it keeps evolving), the third would actually require research and the fourth is really just a two word idea at the moment which is only in the running because I just thought of it.

I think that I may be revealing too much about how my mind works. Medical history is one thing, but this is way too much information.

The cover was lousy, and you could judge by it

I read a book the other day. Yay me. Well, I finished reading a book the other day. Anyway, after I finished it I had to think about it a bit. I didn’t really enjoy the book. These days I just stop reading books I am not enjoying, and I would have, but it wasn’t very long and I kept hoping it would get better. I knew the author and enjoyed her other books in this milieu and I was trying to recapture some of the reading pleasure I had with her other books. I kept hoping that this book would get better and then transport me to that enjoyment I had experienced many years ago. I should say that this is not a new book, just one that I had not read before. Alas, this book never got there.

So, why did I have to think about it? I had to decide if it was me or not. Was I missing something? Was I not getting everything that was in the book because of my current reading abilities or lack thereof? Or was the book really not that good? I’m sorry to say, and also relieved to say, that I decided that the book really wasn’t that good. It was like a throwaway; maybe something that she had to fill in between books in a related series. It was just an idea and some characters that were lying around when her publisher wanted a book. I was disappointed. It’s nice when you can find something new – at least to you – from a favorite author. That’s what I was hoping for.

So it wasn’t me. It just wasn’t a great book.

Wouldn’t it be nice to find something new by Sayers or Hammett or whoever you love to read?

It occurs to me, finally, that maybe this just means that I should write what I want to read. Someone has to write the books that aren’t there right now.

Just in case I wasn't clear

I started this post before I read comments on the last one, but I’m going to post this anyway because not everyone who can see this necessarily knows me.

It’s just a note to say that if it looked to anyone like the last post was meant to be about how I’m worse off than anyone; that was not my intention. I just wanted to list the things about my condition that I haven’t put out anywhere in one place before.

I know that there are people with more severe disabilities than I have. I know that there are people in more pain than I am in. All I have to do is look at my wife to see someone who every day is in more pain than me.

I just wanted to put out a status, as it were, of where I am at the moment after all that happened.

I wanted to make sure that people who don’t know me know that.

Snapshot

Before I start in on where I am going there are some things that I want to get out first. I wanted to post this earlier this month, but here it is now. This is for anyone who is interested who is already reading this blog. It is also for anyone out there searching for blogs with medical conditions that they share. But it’s more than sharing conditions; knowing that you aren’t the only one with the problems you have helps – at least it helps me.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I want everything visible so anyone who finds this won't have to click through a link to find the information.

For the sake of people searching I will once again say that I had Legionnaires’ Disease, Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS), sepsis, was intubated and on a ventilator for 6½ weeks, in the ICU, suffered multiple organ failure (I think they call this MODS), was on dialysis, my heart stopped, I had multiple infections and I almost died.

So, before I move on to where I want to be, here is where I am at now.

I have a brain injury and related cognitive issues, nerve damage, persistent muscle weakness, scarred lungs, asthma, COPD and PTSD.

Specifically, I have:

• Pain in my right hand and left leg from nerve damage
• Overall weakness from muscle atrophy and persistent weakness
• Inability to stand or even sit up unsupported for very long
• Lack of stamina
• Severe fatigue, as in any exertion and I just hit a wall. It’s a deep exhaustion where the chemicals to move your muscles are depleted
• Burning pain that runs from my left hip down into my foot
• Difficulty focusing and concentrating on tasks and an inability to multi-task
• Difficulty handling stimuli – if I go out, such as to a store, where there are many, many stimuli, like a supermarket, I am quickly fatigued both mentally and physically
• If I watch people while they are talking I will lose track of what they are saying because I get distracted by their mouths and eyes – which can make it look like I am not paying attention or trying to lie when all I am trying to do is hear the actual words and not just the sounds
• Memory problems: as in I’m not sure what I remember from the past and I have short term memory problems. I have trouble remembering the right word and sometimes use the wrong word. Also, if I am looking at or listening to something while trying to talk I may say what I see or hear instead of what I mean to say.
• Some hearing loss, both volume as well as frequency – I thought this was from sepsis but apparently the myriad antibiotics I was on could also be the cause; just another example of the cure causing problems. No complaints; they did it all to save my life.
• Vision problems that includes nerve damage around the eyes, eye fatigue and pain
• Ringing in my ears
• Shortness of breath, sometimes when I’m just sitting down
• Difficulty sleeping – both falling asleep and staying asleep
• Crazy-ass and often disturbing dreams
• Depression
• Anger management issues
• Overall nerve damage

The nerve damage includes, top to bottom:

• around my eyes, which affects muscle control
• around my ears
• around my nose, which also affects muscle control
• my neck – my head tends to fall to the side, especially to the left, when I am tired
• Throat and Larynx – my voice is not the same as it used to be, which means that not only do I not sound the same, but I can’t sing like I used to and sometimes I can’t laugh. The not laughing may be the worst part of it.

  I also have an odd sensation in my throat. An exam by an ENT (I’ll post about that some other time) showed no visible physical damage so it is the nerves.

• Numbness in my right forearm
• Ulnar nerve damage that means that I can’t use half of my hand properly, or even feel it. Numbness and tingling don’t really properly explain this sensation.

  Imagine that you are wearing half of a glove that cuts off sensation and restricts movement to three fingers and limits the use of the other finger and thumb. You feel like you should be able to take it off, but you can’t. I can’t use the hand like a hand, even though it looks pretty normal.

• My right hand is also a major pain location. The damaged nerves, including the nerves in the hand itself, are not responsive to normal sensation but give an amazingly increased pain response, sometimes just out of the blue in excruciating fashion. Meds for this only reduce it some, and if I take enough to do that I get sedated into immobility. So there is pain all the time and using the hand (writing, typing, eating, stirring, gripping) just makes it much worse. When I get the sudden electric-shock pain I get what I call the Dr. Strangelove effect: my muscles cramp, starting at my fingertips and running up my arm, so that my hand curls up and my arm follows and it jerks up till my hand is by my shoulder.
• In my left hand it’s mostly just the little finger
• On my left thigh there is a large area of loss of sensation. This is also a major pain location. There is pain all the time and using the leg (standing, walking) makes it much worse. Of course, sometimes when I’m just sitting there I get a lightning pain, as if someone stuck an electrified spike – or multiple spikes – into my leg. This can make me fall down.
• There are also some internal problems with my digestive tract and I’ll just leave it at that.
• Nerve damage in both ankles that affects balance
• Both feet, the outside three toes mostly, bottom and top of foot around them as well, which is a pain location as well as a problem walking and balancing

Also:
I sometimes have trouble completing tasks because I will miss a step or two even when I have written directions.

Overall loss of muscle, my current muscle mass is at most half of what it was by my perception. I lost 60 lbs while in the ICU and very little was fat. I am much weaker than I was before. What muscle I do have is not as strong as it used to be. The exercise that I have been able to do, which most days is limited to activity to take care of myself because of my lack of energy, has not put on much muscle. I am stronger than I was 3 years ago, but I am still very weak. I have no stamina.

My recovery time from exertion is long; it can take days to recover if I go too far. I test my limits all the time, and I can sometimes tell when I should stop. Of course there are times when I just have to go on, like when I need to go to a doctor or just take care of daily chores. Afterwards I collapse.

I have asthma and COPD; I have scarring from the disease and the intubation.

I have been told by pulmonologists that additional oxygen will not help (and would actually hurt) because I am using as much as I can.

I have PTSD.

I have anger issues, the stupidest thing can set me off. I perceive things as threats or challenges to me and my abilities when they may not be, and probably aren't. It’s like the fight or flight response is now just fight even when there is no real threat. I can’t run away from what is wrong with me so I just get angry about everything.

I have trouble talking and eating because the long intubation moved my teeth out of alignment.

I also have high blood pressure and a stress ulcer, both only since being in the hospital.

I still have some more tests to go to check out my blood chemistry and look for brain lesions (oh joy).

There is a lot more to do, and I’m not stopping. This is just to let people know where I am now. I'll let you know where I’m going and how I’m getting there in future posts.

It must be later...

…because here’s more

Now about this NaNoWriMo novel. Here’s the thing: I don’t have an idea. Well, OK, I have tons of ideas, but I don’t have one for November. I want to do something fun. And I have an idea that might be fun – well, writing is fun but I mean a less dark idea. Only this one is only enough of an idea for about 5,000 words; if I’m, lucky. That’s barely a short story.

Now if I just let stream of consciousness go who knows what that could turn into, but starting off with such a thin idea is a little daunting. Then again, that is the whole idea behind NaNo – just let yourself go. One of their mottoes is “no plot, no problem.”

So I may just run with this idea. At the moment, I’m keeping it to myself. Partly because I like to keep new ideas close to the vest, partly because it’s a silly idea. I’ll let you know more once I finally decide.

Which I better do soon as November is fast approaching.

If you’re interested in any more info about NaNoWriMo, you can find it here http://www.nanowrimo.org/.

This is what I meant, really

So here I sit – you’ll just have to take my word for that, I am indeed sitting down while I type this – with a literally fried brain; focus, concentration and cognition problems; a pronounced lack of stamina; nerve damage that includes my hands – especially the right; and I can’t type for sh—, well, I’m not so good. So what am I about to try to do? I am considering participating in something known as NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriMo, for the uninitiated and probably saner folks out there, is National Novel Writing Month – OK, that doesn’t sound like something you participate in, more like a period of time; like National Kumquat Month or Universal Bagel Day or something. Well, that’s true, but it’s also an event in that people – some people of a certain bent (certain bent people?) – do something during that month. No, not repaint the Erie Canal; that was in June. People try to write a novel in one month – November, to be precise. It’s not February, but we’re talking a 30 day month here. And not just any novel, well, yes, just any novel, but it’s supposed to be a novel of at least 50,000 words.

Ouch. And I do mean ouch; typing hurts. A lot. And have I mentioned that I’m not so good at it? The good thing is that quality is not an issue. One of the admonitions to participants is to turn off your inner editor. But, Ouch.

Sorry, nothing very fancy or important. I just thought it might be fun and a good way to jumpstart myself out of wherever it is I am. Like I said before, I’m working on a few things to move forward and this is one of them. Like trying to read to help myself, I thought this might be a good way to exercise my brain. I’m not sure if that shows that I’m willing to try new things, deluding myself that this could help or that I’m just plain crazy.

It is, however, a goal. The idea is to finish the novel. It can be crap; just finish it. But like we used to say of certain code, “It’s crap, but it runs.”

I told you my idea of fun was strange.

More later.

Remember me?

I’m still around, even though I haven’t posted in almost – sheesh! – 2 weeks.

So I’m back. As I said elsewhere, I’ve been thinking mostly about politics lately and I didn’t want to turn this into a political blog just yet. I also wanted to move away from mostly medical issues – though I do have more things to say on that front in the near future.

I’ve been trying to move forward with some stuff and I’m working on that – Vague? Who me? My wife has been having a particularly bad time of it for the past 3 – 4 weeks so I’m not going to do anything that interferes with helping her. Well, I’m going to be an ass about some things because I have issues that I don’t deal with all that well, but I’m not going to intentionally do anything that will interfere with her getting better.

But November is looming and there is something in there that is attracting my attention. It has fixed me with its steely gaze and unblinking eye – wait, that’s just the CBS logo – and is trying to lure me with promises of indescribable pleasures too much for mortal man to comprehend, endure or resist and that are probably illegal in 17 states. I am being enticed by creative extravagance, or perhaps insanity, and wild individual artistic abandon. OK, it’s much more prosaic than that, but…

It’s a crazy idea. It’s an impossible idea. It’s ridiculous to even consider let alone attempt. But it could be fun – keep in mind that my idea of fun is a little warped.

That’s all I’ll say on that matter for now. I’ll put up some more on my condition and similar things in the future and maybe some boring daily stuff. That ought to keep you just sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for more.

But there just might be something significant and possibly even interesting, so keep checking back. I’ll try to keep up with this thing.

Feel free to read

I'm a little late on this, but this is Banned Books Week: September 27th - October 4th. Go here for more info.

It's been a bad week for reading for me so I haven't picked what to read yet. I'll do my best to get to it.




Yes, in light of past posts about me making time for reading I realize the irony in the title of this post.

September 30th, 2005, revisited

Home.

This is the third anniversary of me coming home from the hospital.

My wife came and took me home from the physical rehab hospital. It was a gorgeous day. It was cool and sunny, with high white clouds in a bright blue sky. It was wonderful.

All I wanted was to be home with my wife, and the sheer joy of riding in the car with her is hard to describe. Somehow I knew, I felt, how long I had been in the hospital. I had only been conscious for part of the time, but I had experienced the whole thing. I knew that I had been away. I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my wife. Finally, I was. Just being in the car and enjoying the sun and the Autumn air, sitting beside my wife, being alive and going home, was all that I could ask for.

I was going home.

I am home, now, with my wife. What more could I ask for?

Older than dirt

So the other day I was writing some stuff about doctors and such, and MS Word wanted to correct my spelling. I may be old, but do I really need to be examined by a paleontologist?

Mind like a steel sieve

Oops. I said that the 22^nd was the day that I left the ICU. Nope. I left the ICU on the 17^th. The 22^nd was the day I was supposed to be transferred to a physical rehab hospital, which happened on the 23^rd because a bed wasn’t available on the 22^nd.

Oh well. Don’t know where that came from.

September 22, 2005, revisited

You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting much. I decided to stop the hospital update stuff. While I think that sharing my ICU experiences may help some people, I don’t think that the minute details are that important. I’ll mention a few things here, and if anyone wants to know more just ask.

I want to say that I have great respect for the nurses who work in the ICU, the doctors as well, but they come and go and the nurses are there all shift. The environment is designed to facilitate caring for critically ill patients; it is not congenial to normal living. There is something called ICU psychosis that affects patients, and the nurses are not immune to all of the effects. One of the things that can get to the nurses in the ICU is that their patients are so bad off. By way of evidence, I offer the following.

This is the day I was moved from the ICU to a regular room. Now, I understood that this was significant, but all I was doing was lying in bed. The nurses on duty told me I was going to be moved, and then when everything was set they came in to get all my stuff together – cards, the electric razor my wife bought for me because I was on blood thinners and a regular razor was a big no-no, a special card that my wife had brought for me, and there was the Black Knight that was watching over me.

Other ICU nurses started stopping by to help, but there wasn’t room for them. I didn’t really understand why they were all so excited. When they wheeled me out of the ICU space and over to the elevator on the other side of the ICU, every nurse working there said hi and wished me luck and congratulated me on getting out of the ICU, and they were all smiling like crazy and everyone knew me. Even the guy cleaning the floor knew who I was and was smiling and wishing me luck and all. I did not understand what was going on.

OK, maybe I’m dense. I had been in that ICU for 6 weeks (the first week was at another hospital), and I had been almost dead. They all knew that. I had been there so long everyone knew who I was. They all knew how sick I had been. They all knew that I almost died. They don’t see people that sick get out of the ICU that often, and when they do, they end up back there again. I was getting out because I had recovered and they knew that I was going to make it. They were all happy to see that I had survived. They were happy to see me going to a regular room. It was a big deal.

I think I’m beginning to get it.*

In my defense, I was still pretty drugged up, which not only kept me from worrying too much – I just kind of accepted everything and took it as it came – but may have made me slow on the uptake. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

And I still say that there was a cat in the ER.

*Yeah, I’m slow, I’ve had stuff on my mind.

We the People

Today is the 221st birthday of the Constitution. It has had a long and storied life since its birth in the 18th Century. It has both retained its original meaning and strength, changed to accommodate more enlightened thinking and has also been better understood – it had a funny accent and spoke with an early American dialect so sometimes people were confused about what it meant, it also had a habit of speaking in metaphor.

It has also been abused, attacked and ignored. It is not doing well in its old age, having been trampled and neglected in recent years. It’s on life support right now, waiting for its children – that would be the citizens of the US – to revive it. Well, I’ve been on life support myself, and while it is not a great place to be, I know that the right application of care and attention can do wonders for someone in that position. You may not come back exactly as you were before, but you can come back – maybe even better in some ways. It just takes the proper care.

But inattention and lack of concern is fatal.

Let's all pay attention.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Happy Birthday! And may you enjoy many more in good health.

September 12th, 2005, revisited

This is the anniversary of the beginning of my sequential memory. There are a few memories from the previous few days, some may even be from as early as the 5^th, but I don’t know for sure. There was my wife telling me that I had been unconscious for 6½ weeks and that New Orleans was gone. There were also some times when I was trying to communicate. I couldn’t even try to talk because of the trach, so my wife tried everything she could. A Scrabble board with words and letters arranged alphabetically – but when I tried to point to letters I couldn’t control my hand. I’d try to spell out words but I kept pointing at the same spot. I couldn’t write so all I could do was scribble on the whiteboard that she brought. And when I did try to make a sound, I was so fixated on what I wanted to say I wouldn’t try simpler words, but since nothing much came out it didn’t make a big difference.

My wife wrote words on a page but I couldn’t manage to point to the right word. I also didn’t understand what was going on, I apparently thought that the only thing wrong with me was that I was stuck in that bed with tubes coming out of me from so many places: I couldn’t talk, or move, or control my own body, I didn’t know what was happening, and I was frustrated and upset. My wife is an angel. She understood how I felt and did everything to help me.

My wife was really good at reading my mind, so she knew what I wanted and needed. Which was a good thing because I couldn’t make myself understood.

When they first woke me up, apparently the big thing was for the nurses to ask me to move so they could tell if I was all right: trying to see if I could understand and respond and still move. Someone, some doctors or nurses, kept scaring my wife for no reason, saying that I wasn’t waking up fast enough or responding right so there might be serious brain damage. Assholes. I was just having a hard time getting out of the sedatives. Some nurses did mention that, saying that some people take days or weeks to come out of it after being under for so long.

There was one time when my wife was there and everyone was asking me to wiggle my toes. I didn’t respond. Everyone thought that that was a bad sign. A friend was with my wife and said that I was probably just sick of doing it and was teasing them. I heard that and I smiled. Apparently that’s what I was doing. All I could do was wiggle my toes and they kept asking me and I got tired of it – I don’t remember, but it sounds like something that I would do.

I was frustrated. I didn’t know what was happening to me or why I had to prove that I could breathe on my own. I didn’t know that I had almost died; I just wanted the trach out. I wanted more control of myself.

What I remember from the 12^th, I think, was a nurse asking me if I knew where I was. Now, I had heard someone say that I had been transferred, but I thought I had heard California or Kentucky and I decided that wasn’t right. But I didn’t know what hospital I was in even though I did know that I was in a hospital. But I couldn’t see any signs, or even a laundry mark on the linen, and the nurse’s ID badge was turned around. I didn’t know I was in the ICU but I knew that I was in a hospital. So I told the nurse, who looked around and at their badge and realized that, no, there was no way to know where I was exactly. The important thing was that I knew that I was in a hospital.

That was the beginning of me getting out of the ICU. Well, maybe not that moment, but once I was more or less out of the sedation, and could interact, and could start working at improving, then I could start to get better.

September 9th, 2005, revisited

And you thought that I had forgotten. Nope, just waited until now.

There was one other milestone a few days ago, which is when I got off of dialysis after about 5 weeks. It’s a significant day, but I didn’t want to bore anyone with too many posts like this. But I do want those who may be interested to be able to read about the important parts, the major events that maybe we all share, the things that have redefined our lives. So on to today.

I think this is the day they did the tracheostomy. More to the point, this is the first day that I have a memory from. They started taking me off of the sedation a few days earlier, but after having that much in me for so long, it took a while to wear off enough. In fact, some of the effects lasted at least a year. But at some point on the 9^th I woke up enough to know that I was awake.

I remember two things, the first two things that I remember anyway, and for me they sum up the whole thing. I woke up, I saw my wife, and she told me that it had been six and a half weeks, and New Orleans was gone.

Everyone thought that I would be out for maybe three days. Somewhere in my head I knew that, and when my wife said six and a half weeks I was, well, I don’t think that there is a word for how I felt. Stunned works. With flabbergasted thrown in. And confused. I couldn’t believe it. I’m not sure I can even now. It’s too outrageous.

As for the New Orleans thing, well, I don’t think my wife said it like that, but I remember those two things so they get stuck together in my head. How could I have been under for that long? How does a city just disappear? Maybe you can understand my confusion.

Now, I’m not entirely sure that my memory of my wife telling me this is from this day. She told me several times and since I remember the 9^th I think of the memory as being of then – I put the two first memories, day and event, together. The truth is I don’t really remember that it was the 9^th. My first memory that stuck, the day that started a return of consecutive memory, was September 12^th. I remember things sequentially from then. I do remember that I was awake for three days where my memories were disjointed; I didn’t remember things in any particular order. I specifically remember one time when something happened and I thought to myself that I would remember it, but out of order. My brain was so mixed-up it noticed that it was mixed-up even in a mixed-up state. I don’t actually remember what that event was, though.

So I have a few memories scattered through the 9^th to the 11^th, and I’ll share some of them over the next few days.

A doctor a day – no wait, that’s not right

Today was another doctor day, number 24 I think. I’ve lost track. I have to check my calendar.

Anyway. I’m trying to be more active on-line, so I will post, but I can’t guarantee the content. Here’s some: Bob Newhart, Al Stewart, Dweezil Zappa, Loudon Wainwright III and Darryl Zanuck were all born on this day, though in different years.

It’s raining here, it’s been trying to get started for a couple of hours. Hanna has arrived, or at least sent a calling card to announce her approach. Tomorrow will be a day to stay inside, if you have that option.

See, words on the screen but not much content.

More later, of indeterminate quality. Just enough to prove that I’m still around. If you comment, or have a blog I should be reading and commenting on, give me a while. I’m having enough trouble keeping my own going. I’ll be more sociable in the future.

Near Death Inexperience

No, nothing recent. I was just thinking about something – amazing, huh? Someone, I don’t remember who, asked me if I had a near-death experience. I don’t remember one. There was one point when I was balancing, right on the point of the fulcrum, between life and death. At least it felt that way. My wife pulled me through that. It’s too personal to go into more detail.

But I think it was because my heart stopped once that I get that question. Maybe since it started again on its own it didn’t qualify. One interesting thing, though; there are people who say that NDOs are not real; that they are caused by the lack of oxygen as the brain begins to die. You know, lack of oxygen is something I have considerable experience with, and I never had an experience like that. My 02 levels went way down. Really low. Almost dead low. Ow my brain is starving for oxygen low. No tunnels of light or anything like that. I had some dreams with dead relatives in them, but I don’t think that counts.

I think it’s more complicated than what people think.

Or maybe I just suffered too much from a lack of oxygen.

My head's been spinning with other things lately, sorry I haven't posted. Maybe I'll start blogging about my daily experiences and really bore everybody. Anyway, I'm going to try to be more active here.

Please pardon this interruption

We interrupt this blog for the following important message:

Help!

Does anyone know a good ERISA attorney? I need a lawyer for my long term disability insurance claim and I thought if I posted someone who knew a lawyer might just happen to find it.

That's all.

Thanks.


We now return you to your regular programming.

Famous first words

I am not early with this, but the winners of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. I am also surprised that Word spell-check recognizes Bulwer-Lytton. Anyway, go here http://www.sjsu.edu/faculty/scott.rice/blfc2008.htm for the tragic consequences of this contest.

Like the proverbial train-wreck, it is a thing not to be turned away from once it has been revealed to your eyes. The deed of exposing this travesty this day falls to me. I do not shirk the doing of this deed, rather I face it with my resolve firmed and my tongue planted firmly in my cheek (I have to ask one of my doctors about that). I may have to submit an entry of my own to this thing one day.

Friends

My exhausting week ended in a very nice way. On Saturday, some friends came over and took me out to lunch. This is no small deal since they all live a good distance away, and besides the effort and time to get to my house, these days that costs a lot in gas.

It was great. Nothing fancy, just lunch, but it was great to see them again. It really jumpstarts my brain to sit with these guys and talk. I loved it. It was exhausting, but I sure do appreciate them coming over. It was fun and I think I’ve run out of adjectives.

Thanks guys, it was great.

I don’t keep in touch as much as I would like, and my current condition just makes my tendency to be a hermit that much worse. One of these days I’ll be able to make it to where they all live.

Thanks again, let’s do it again soon.

Whoo boy what a week

Yes, I am still alive, I just dropped off the face of the planet for a while. It was a rough week, I'll have to tell you about it some time.

First I have to thank someone who might not want to be named, then again, maybe they would. Anyway, this person has been very helpful and just plain, old-fashioned kind. They have also given me so much information that I have been overwhelmed with it all. It’s going to take me a while to just figure out what it all is. I am still trying to get my head around all of it.

Now, just to round things out …

There was one anniversary this week: on August 9^th 2005 my heart stopped. It started again, but I suppose you already guessed that – but it did it on its own.

The rest of this is a day late and a dollar short.

Wednesday was Alfred Hitchcock’s birthday, for what that’s worth. I always liked his movies, still do in fact.

An inordinate number of famous people were born yesterday, a partial list includes:

Buddy Greco
Dash Crofts (Seals and Crofts)
David Crosby
Steve Martin
Susan Saint James
Danielle Steel (book store shelf stocker)
Gary Larson (philosopher)
James Horner (film composer)
Magic Johnson
Marcia Gay Harden
Sarah Brightman (Olympic greeter)

and Cosimo III, 6th duke of Tuscany

Don’t even ask about today.

Oh well, I have to run. I have to find a ride to Yasgur’s Farm.

Score!

As in I just hit doctor visit number 20 over the last 11 weeks.

Then I came home and fell asleep. I am beat.

Right now I’m watching people wave flags and march into the Olympic stadium in Beijing. At least I am watching the recorded images of what happened about 12 hours ago. Yes, I watch the opening ceremonies, even the boring parts. It’s an old tradition. I used to watch the Olympics with my father and I like to watch the significant moments. The whole time zone issue has kept me from watching a lot of it in recent years, though I hear that they are scheduling things early to be on in prime time in the US.

One year I saw them show a tape of the finals of a track and field event because they had been showing a taped profile of an athlete while the race was being run live and then they showed the recorded race minutes after it was on live. Yes, they preempted a live event to show a tape and then showed the race on tape. Of course that was one of the years that Bryant Gumbel got more airtime than the athletes. I once fast-forwarded through a 6 hour tape and found 15 minutes of actual sports, the rest was talking and commercials. Hopefully this year will be better.

Interesting things I have learning watching the opening ceremonies of the 29th Olympiad: China has only one time zone for the entire country, and highland bagpipes are the international music for marching athletes.

Now, if they’d only add my idea for two new sports: double-dutch jump rope and knife fighting. I’m still undecided about javelin catching.

August 6th, 2005, revisited

I am a day late with this and I apologize. I wasn’t going to post about the daily events of me in the ICU, but then I remembered an important date.

August 6 was the third anniversary of the day I was transferred from one hospital to another.

That in and of itself was not anything that I was going to post about, but I remembered something that needed to be said, and I am ashamed that I did not do this sooner. This is the third anniversary of the second time my wife saved my life that year.

At this point I already had ARDS and sepsis on top of the Legionnaires’ Disease and my body was shutting down. My wife is very intelligent and perceptive, and when she saw the numbers for my kidney values, the blood work that indicated how well – or not – my kidneys were functioning, she knew how bad it was. The doctors were saying that I was doing bad but not that bad, but she knew that my kidneys were failing. They said I would need dialysis, but they didn’t have the right equipment at that hospital, but my transfer could wait until Monday.

You see, it was Saturday, and the doctors just didn’t want to be bothered. By Monday I would have been dead.

My wife spent something like 10 hours on the phone, making dozens of calls to doctors and hospitals trying to get me transferred to a hospital with continuous dialysis equipment. The nurses at the hospital were quietly encouraging. They had hinted that they thought that I needed to be transferred and they were cheering my wife on as she hounded the doctors to get them to do what needed to be done. They practically cheered when she did it. Apparently it is not common to transfer patients on the weekend – patients may die but at least the doctors aren’t inconvenienced. Assholes.

First, not having a dialysis machine that is needed to save the life of a patient in the ICU who has sepsis, which is a very common problem in ICU patients, is criminal. The other campus of the hospital had it, which meant that they could claim to have all that equipment in the hospital with that name, but that meant transferring me, which they didn’t want to do.

Not wanting to be bothered transferring a patient because it’s a weekend is criminal.

We knew from a friend who is a nurse that there was an ICU bed available at a good hospital not too far away. But it was being held by a prominent doctor in case he wanted it for one of his patients. Not a patient that needed an ICU bed and care, just a patient who would want special care to stroke their ego. Criminal.

It was also almost impossible to get the doctors to call the other hospital to arrange the transfer, even after my wife found an available ICU bed. Criminal.

From Saturday morning until late evening, my wife was on the phone to hospitals and doctors and friends and she did the virtually impossible: she got me transferred. It was supposed to happen by 10PM, but didn’t happen until 1 or 2 AM. First they said they couldn’t have me and all of the equipment in the helicopter because it would weigh too much. Right, the extra weight of a portable ventilator would push the helicopter over its usable limit. It was an insurance worry. They weren’t sure they were covered for the procedure – me on the vent, and having a respiratory tech in the helicopter.

Finally I was transferred in an ambulance. And here I must commend the respiratory technicians at the hospital. They knew how bad I was and they did everything possible to insure that I was not injured during the transfer. I needed high pressure ventilation, but a standard ventilator wouldn’t fit in the ambulance. There’s a lot less room in there than you might think, and I was too unstable to risk manual ventilation. One of the techs remembered that the hospital had recently acquired a high-pressure pediatric ventilator, which was small enough to fit, so he went and got it.

So, on a Saturday night, my wife got me transferred to another hospital where I was admitted to the ICU, and immediately put on dialysis. Like I said, she saved my life.

Just as an example of my wife’s determination and ability, she actually got in touch with the head of the ICU department at the new hospital. This may not sound like much, but he is an internationally known leader in the field of critical care. He runs national programs on ICU care and new methods to increase survival. His reputation is such that he has been called on to treat royalty. He gave my wife his private cell phone number so she could call if she needed anything.

My wife is an amazing person, but I repeat myself.

Now presenting Miss Lili von Shtupp

I wasn’t going to post because I was really tired after today’s doctor visit*, and I didn’t have much to say. Then I was thinking to myself, I’m tired.

The next thing you know I had Madeline Kahn’s voice in my head.

OK, I think that’s weird enough to post.

For those of you who do not know the reference (and why don’t you?), here is a link to the root of my insanity. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au5f6pMgN2s OK, it’s probably not the root, but it fits into it.

*Number 19 in a continuing series that began the end of May.

Three!

This just in, Mr. Owl says that it takes three licks to get to the center of a Tootise Roll Pop.

Film at eleven.

Sorry, I just felt like posting something silly.

August 2nd, 2005, revisited

No, not every post is going to be a revisiting of a day from 2005. For one thing, after today I don’t remember anything until September. For another, I doubt that anyone cares that much about it and I don’t want to dwell on anything. I just wanted to make a point of noting the significant dates this year, mostly because this is the start of this blog – more or less – and I also wanted to collect the information in one place where people could see it if they wanted to. So here’s another.

This is the third anniversary of the day that I was intubated.

I remember a conversation, only vague images really, but some of the discussion. Someone was explaining that I wasn’t getting enough oxygen and they needed to do something to help. They said they could try a CPAP machine, but if that didn’t work they’d have to put me on a ventilator. The CPAP was like trying to breathe with my head hanging out the window of a car doing about 95 mph. I couldn’t tolerate it, it was worse than no help at all.

So there I was, facing intubation. It’s hard for me to explain why this would be so hard for me. Mostly it’s the idea of having something in the way of my breathing. Yes, I know this was meant to help, but having an obstruction in my throat just doesn’t seem like it would help. But I knew, at some fever-addled level, that there was no choice. I told them to go ahead. I sort of remember that.

I know that I said that I wanted to be completely sedated before they either intubated me or used a paralytic. My wife made sure that they did that and that there was no pain (I may have asked about that, too). And she tells me that I also told her not to let my mother see my like that. I don’t remember that but I can believe it. Eventually she did see me that way because it lasted a lot longer than the three days everyone expected.

Three years ago today I was put on a ventilator. I have to think about that for a while.

I feel much better today than I did then.

August 1st, 2005, revisited

Today is the third anniversary of the day I went into the hospital.

My wife finally dragged me to the doctor, who took one look at me and got a pulse oximeter. I guess I looked pretty bad. My oxygen level was 87. At the time I didn’t know how bad that was, but I could tell from the Physician’s Assistant’s expression that it was not good. I was trying to will it to go higher, but that didn’t work. She told us that we had two choices: drive ourselves or take an ambulance but I had to go to the hospital. We decided on the ambulance so the PA called 911.

I don’t remember much else from that day. Well, I remember one thing. I was very hot, which is not surprising considering I had a fever of at least 105. I had a small hand-held fan that I was holding on myself, and the batteries were running down. I was desperately in need of that fan. I could not imagine surviving without it. So I asked – well, I probably begged – my wife to get me some new batteries.

I thought that I was laying on the sofa in the living room and all she had to do was walk into the kitchen to get me some batteries.

I was actually laying in a hospital bed in the ER. No one had any batteries. My wife had to leave the ER, drive to a nearby WaWa, buy batteries and then get back to me in the ER. I did not know that. As horrible as I felt I would never have asked her to do something like that, but I did ask her, and she did it. Have I mentioned that I have a wonderful wife?

I have a wonderful wife.

This is also the third anniversary of the first time that year that my wife saved my life. If she had not forced me to go to the doctor, dragging me there, I would have died lying on the sofa at home.

She really is amazing.

Only the name has been changed...

... to make more sense.

"It's eating my peas." is a very obscure quote that I chose as the name largely for silliness purposes and because it is obscure. I thought it might make more sense for the blog name to match the URL, so I've changed it.

I may change it again later, who knows. This thing is still pretty young, or is that new? Whatever. This is in no way a sign of any changes here, so don't get your hopes up. The content will be about the same. Well, I hope some of it is better, but I think you get what I mean.

All wet.

Well, maybe not all wet, but NASA confirms that there is water on Mars.

It's no earth-shaking announcement, but it is interesting.


That's all for now. I've been pretty tired lately, I'll try to post more in the future.

Whatshisname

All right, here's a quick test.

Name the three major credit reporting agencies.
I bet you missed one.

Name the actors who played the Magnificent Seven*.
I bet you missed one, and it was the big guy who was sure there was gold there.

Are there other groups of things where the same one is always missed? I can't think of any others myself right now.
There should be a name for this phenomenon.

---

* I love a good Horst Bucholz movie.

July 27th, 2005, revisited

Three years ago today I called in sick to work.

In 20+ years as a professional I know I called in sick at least once when I wasn’t, maybe twice, but I didn’t make a habit of it. When I called in sick I was sick and I had certain criteria for doing it. If I were too sick to function well and actually work, or if I was too sick to safely get to or from work, or if I had a fever (which had to be high enough to feel like I had one before I even checked it anyway) I would consider calling in sick legitimate. There were times when I felt too sick to work, or when I was just sick but not really bad, that I went in anyway. If I got anyone else sick on those occasions I apologize.

I bring this up because there are those times when you wonder if people at work really believe that you are sick or if they think you just want a day or two off. When I called in it was late July, the weather was nice, and some may have thought that I just wanted to get out of work for a while. It was a Wednesday, so I could get a few days out of it. Like I said, I didn’t do that sort of thing, but the thought has crossed my mind.

I guess if anybody thought I was slacking off they that time changed their minds. Sometimes I put it as: I called in sick and never went back.

There’s something related that I, in my darkly humored way, find funny. After a certain number of days, my work, reasonably, wanted a doctor’s note explaining what was going on. I saw the form that my wife sent in to work to confirm that I was too sick to be there. There’s a space on it for the doctor to fill in the reason. The doctor wrote in “Critically ill”. I guess that’s a good reason.

Also, some time after I got home from the hospital, I was going through my email and I came across some from the 27th or the 28th, I don’t remember at this point. Apparently people at work were looking for some information about a project and they got in touch with me about it. As most people at work did, when I was home sick I still took calls and answered email and sometimes even worked from home. What I found funny was that I was being asked questions, and people were accepting my answers, but looking back on it with perspective I realized that at the time I had a fever of at least 102 and climbing. I hope I was giving them the right information.

Anyway, that struck me as funny as well. I told you I had a sick (pun intended) sense of humor.

July 26th, 2005, revisited

Three years ago today I started to feel sick.

My wife and I had taken the cats to the vet for a routine visit. We left the vet late in the day, but it was still light out. The sun was low in the sky, but the sky was still blue, the clouds lit from beneath in that nice burnished orange from the setting sun. It had been a warm, somewhat humid summer day, and the sky was full of clouds. I can see that image in my head.

As we left the vet and loaded up the car with cats, I was feeling sick. Nothing too bad, just a little weak and a little light-headed. I was hoping that I was just tired, but I knew that I was probably sick. So, since my head wasn’t very clear, I asked my wife to drive home and I got in on the passenger side. There was nothing remarkable about the day at that point. I don’t really remember anything else from that day, and I wouldn’t expect to. It was just a Tuesday night.

Nothing remarkable at the time but as I sit here typing this I am beginning to shake. I have been trying to get my head around what happened to me, and lately I have been doing better at examining things more closely, as a personal experience and not just an abstract memory. The better I get at that the harder it is to face.

It is hard to accept that I almost died. It is even harder to try to accept it. I need to face this and I do not want to. I should go on and work this out, but I can’t. I don’t want to deal with the consequences right this minute. I’m going to stop now.

Assholes

Just like health insurance companies decree that anyone can be healed after 10 visits for physical therapy, my long-term disability insurance company has decided that I can return to work.

Yep, apparently I can go back to work because there isn't really anything wrong with me. Just like that I'm all better. All they have to do is decide that I can work and suddenly I can work.

Assholes. Do they really think I'm doing this because it's fun? Just because it's hard to understand what's wrong with me doesn't mean that there isn't something wrong with me. Looks like I'm not the only one in denial.

Cough, wheeze

Hey guess what. I have asthma!

Ain’t that great?

I had a breathing study done a little while ago and the doctor decided to test for asthma. I passed, or failed, or whatever. Now I get to try new medications: Asmanex and Singulair.

Interestingly, my primary care doctor just gave me a prescription for Singulair. I think he was going to give me Asmanex (he mentioned an inhaled steroid but not by name), but decided to use the Singulair instead. I have to ask him about that. At the time he didn’t know about the asthma, he just thought it would help my breathing.

Anyway, I just thought I’d post the new info.


Also, today I hit doctor visit #17 since the end of May. Yipee.

Hoarse, but still a cat

Just a quick update to say that the oppressed cat who was dragged to the vet is doing OK. He made himself hoarse complaining so much in the car, but he is otherwise OK. He hates taking pills, but he's not violent about it. So things should be good with him, we'll just keep an eye out for any more problems. Right now he's asleep on the bed.