I was reading a book yesterday, nothing deep or anything, just a novel that was a good read. I think I might have mentioned before that, while I used to read a lot, lately this hasn’t been the case. So, yay! But when I put the book down to go to bed, I got to thinking. I wanted to finish the book the next day, since I was relatively close to the end, but I don’t read that fast these days. And the next day would be today, Monday. Monday is not a day you take off to just read a book.
Oh sure, when I was a kid and out of school for the summer, heck yeah I read every day and at all hours of the night. But I am not a kid anymore. I am not working, but that is a problem, not a vacation. I have to spend every day doing something to get myself back into shape to get back to work. Even if I am just thinking about what to do. Except that I don’t because I can’t. In fact, I shouldn’t.
I have been told to not over-think things, what someone called analysis paralysis. I have been told not to worry to the point of distraction and inaction. I have been told that I need to make time for myself. Did I listen? Of course not. Every time I do something that I consider to be unproductive towards my recovery I feel guilty. I’ve felt guilty for three years now.
On weekdays, when I’m not just taking care of daily life, I try to do things to train myself mentally and physically for work. On weekends I try to think of more ways to train myself and feel guilty that I didn’t suddenly recover fully during the previous week. That hit me yesterday. I could not give myself enough leeway to actually take some time just to read. The funny thing is that reading helps me, but I was enjoying this so I had to feel guilty about it. Damn I’m turning into a Puritan.
I am in between doctor appointments, none till Thursday; I have written letters to people about my long term disability and I spent literally all of my non-doctor energy last week researching ERISA law and disability attorneys (oh joy); I can do nothing with Social Security but wait for them to schedule a hearing; I have finished my knee shots and now need to wait for that to work its way into the nooks and crannies as it were; I have researched to the point of mental oblivion my options for training myself for work – but I have found some new options; I am twisting my brain into extra-contorted convolutions trying to create work-arounds for my deficits and also to better compartmentalize the overwhelmingly overlapping issues that are spinning around in there:
And I can’t give myself a freaking half-day off to read.
Am I f@#$ing nuts? Don’t answer that question.
This is definitely something that I have to work on. One more for the list. It’s a matter of setting my schedule by my own needs and not letting others – insurance companies, lawyers – set things for me. You know, that sounds like good advice, and is the real point of this post. Consider the rest background.
And yes, I did finish the book. I had to force myself not to start doing other things, but I did finish the book and I enjoyed it. It was a good read.
4 comments:
Take off the funny hat and weird shoes - your Puritan days are at an end. Treat yourself every day and then forgive yourself for enjoying it so damn much.
Could it be the reason you survived was so you could stop feeling guilty and focus on what YOU need and want for the rest of your life?
Of course my first reaction is to say that I can't do that. But if I try to look at this objectively, it is a possibility. It's going to take a lot for me to admit that though, because I would feel guilty.
I mean, I'm lucky enough to survive and that is why, even if it is only one reason? I can accept it if I would also be contributing in some way to others.
I was trying to post on this but it got away from me and got a bit muddled. I'll have to try again.
Why is everyone else able to comment sensibly about this but me?
"Why is everyone else able to comment sensibly about this but me?"
Can you say "emotional & physical detachment?" None of us are in the middle of the damn thing, only you are.
So what exactly do you do that's "preparation for work?" And why would reading not be included on that list of activities? You never read a requirements doc? You never read a book to pick up a new language? There now, I've justified it for you. Anyway, you can pretend the reading time is time you would've wasted at work net-surfing. (That probably makes more sense than anything else I said.) :=)
No, that all makes perfect sense.
You’re right, the problem is that I am in the middle of it and I don’t see the situation objectively. I feel as if I should be able to do more. What I do to get ready is a combination of things to approximate the demands of minimal work: sitting up is a biggie, staying conscious for long enough each day, trying to be physically active for periods of time – but that never works out well.
And you’re right, reading should be a part of that because I need to improve in that area. I need better focus and attention and reading is a big part of work. I just feel guilty if I read something that I enjoy. It’s guilt. It’s stupid, too.
Hey, you can steal, I mean find some good code net-surfing.
Thanks, that’s really a great way of looking at it.
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