August 2nd, 2005, revisited

No, not every post is going to be a revisiting of a day from 2005. For one thing, after today I don’t remember anything until September. For another, I doubt that anyone cares that much about it and I don’t want to dwell on anything. I just wanted to make a point of noting the significant dates this year, mostly because this is the start of this blog – more or less – and I also wanted to collect the information in one place where people could see it if they wanted to. So here’s another.

This is the third anniversary of the day that I was intubated.

I remember a conversation, only vague images really, but some of the discussion. Someone was explaining that I wasn’t getting enough oxygen and they needed to do something to help. They said they could try a CPAP machine, but if that didn’t work they’d have to put me on a ventilator. The CPAP was like trying to breathe with my head hanging out the window of a car doing about 95 mph. I couldn’t tolerate it, it was worse than no help at all.

So there I was, facing intubation. It’s hard for me to explain why this would be so hard for me. Mostly it’s the idea of having something in the way of my breathing. Yes, I know this was meant to help, but having an obstruction in my throat just doesn’t seem like it would help. But I knew, at some fever-addled level, that there was no choice. I told them to go ahead. I sort of remember that.

I know that I said that I wanted to be completely sedated before they either intubated me or used a paralytic. My wife made sure that they did that and that there was no pain (I may have asked about that, too). And she tells me that I also told her not to let my mother see my like that. I don’t remember that but I can believe it. Eventually she did see me that way because it lasted a lot longer than the three days everyone expected.

Three years ago today I was put on a ventilator. I have to think about that for a while.

I feel much better today than I did then.