I am officially disabled. Yay?

So, 4 years after I got sick, 3½ years after applying for Social Security and 2 months after the hearing I finally received notice from the judge about his decision. He has decided that, based on all the information and the SSA regulations, I am disabled and have been since July of 2005.

Oddly, the decision is dated the last day of the month, which is 4 years to the day since I came home from the hospital.

With everyone questioning me over and over it was hard to not start to doubt myself – and I was really just adrift with all this waiting. I was trying to just let it all go and not worry about anything since there was nothing that I could do but wait. Still, I couldn’t help being anxious about it so I was really on edge.

I had this thought that it’s time to move on but I just can’t leave this behind – feel free to use that as a song title.

Enough of this – it’s finally over with.

Well, just one more thing. Now I know why my lawyer told me that this judge does not give quick decisions and that it would be a while before I heard anything (though 2 months still seems like a long time). Anyway, you can tell that this guy was thorough, and made a very considered decision after looking at all of the information. This thing is long.

OK, that’s enough of that. I was trying to do other things, time to get back to them. The only thing that this changes is that I don’t have to wonder when I’ll hear something. I still need to get on with other things. Which I will post about later.

Dazed and confused

In a way I feel like I’m sleepwalking. I move through the day and sometimes the world but I’m not fully aware of what I am doing or what is going on around me. I don’t know if this is a long-standing problem or a result of my trying to gather my thoughts. Maybe it’s my medication. But by focusing on my thoughts I lose track of the rest of life.

I also post things like yesterday’s mass of words that are amazingly lacking in clarity. Not to mention a really formal title. Why use ‘it is’ instead of ‘it’s’, I ask you? I ask myself as well.

I am wondering if this feeling is because of my attempt to get my thoughts clear and maybe that is making me more empty-headed; in other words, rather than organizing my thoughts, I am not thinking. I also worry that by trying to not let the events of four years ago influence my present too much I am still frozen by a subconscious entanglement with the months of August and September. I’m trying to remember it as my own history but not as an overt and limiting influence on my life. That may not be working so well – I’m being too passive about it and may need to work out an active plan. That past keeps breaking through into my present in unwelcome ways.

Now that I think about it, I am also trying to force myself to relax at the same time. While neither thing may sound like much, they are both reorientations of patterns of behavior and thought. Sort of like trying to stop smoking and going on a diet at the same time. Not a formula for success.

I am also concerned that I am starting so many sentences with the word ‘I’. I think this may signal a pattern. I do not know what this pattern indicates. I wonder what it could mean.

See, I told you that writing helped me think things out. Except for that whole ‘I’ thing.

It is September

I imagine that you noticed. In fact September is more than half over and I have been absent from this space for more than an entire month. It was not intentional – well, it was, sort of. I wanted to let myself get my thoughts together. Since I had not yet gotten those pesky thoughts together, I refrained from posting. There was nothing coming to me to post. I have still not gotten my thoughts together, but that’s OK – as far as this is concerned. I’ll post anyway.

What I need to do is let myself recover without constantly pushing myself, physically and mentally. I do not do this. I do not relax well because I perceive this need to keep pushing to get things done and to get better. While there are things that need to be done and I need to get better, it is also true that I need to relax. This has been pointed out to me, more than once, by more than one person, but I cannot relax. I see it as a luxury so I go until I am forced by exhaustion to stop.

But relaxing is a necessity. If I don’t relax I won’t recover and I won’t be able to get done what needs to be done. I will also go crazy.

So I have been trying to not do things that are not immediately necessary. I have succeeded somewhat, though the other day I did a few things around the house, a few relatively minor things, and I crashed hard. Sunday was a particularly bad day. I thought I was being good, but I need to look closer at how I assess such things. On the other hand, I do that sort of thing less often these days.

I obviously haven’t worked everything out yet, but I feel less like I’m coasting if I at least post something. So I’ll just post whatever comes to mind. Writing also helps me work things out so I hope to get back to this more regularly. Maybe I’ll even post things that are more coherent than this – we can all dream.