In a way I feel like I’m sleepwalking. I move through the day and sometimes the world but I’m not fully aware of what I am doing or what is going on around me. I don’t know if this is a long-standing problem or a result of my trying to gather my thoughts. Maybe it’s my medication. But by focusing on my thoughts I lose track of the rest of life.
I also post things like yesterday’s mass of words that are amazingly lacking in clarity. Not to mention a really formal title. Why use ‘it is’ instead of ‘it’s’, I ask you? I ask myself as well.
I am wondering if this feeling is because of my attempt to get my thoughts clear and maybe that is making me more empty-headed; in other words, rather than organizing my thoughts, I am not thinking. I also worry that by trying to not let the events of four years ago influence my present too much I am still frozen by a subconscious entanglement with the months of August and September. I’m trying to remember it as my own history but not as an overt and limiting influence on my life. That may not be working so well – I’m being too passive about it and may need to work out an active plan. That past keeps breaking through into my present in unwelcome ways.
Now that I think about it, I am also trying to force myself to relax at the same time. While neither thing may sound like much, they are both reorientations of patterns of behavior and thought. Sort of like trying to stop smoking and going on a diet at the same time. Not a formula for success.
I am also concerned that I am starting so many sentences with the word ‘I’. I think this may signal a pattern. I do not know what this pattern indicates. I wonder what it could mean.
See, I told you that writing helped me think things out. Except for that whole ‘I’ thing.
2 comments:
It's a blog. About you. So who should be the subject if not you?????
There, that was easy. Now stop smoking & go on a diet.
You make a very good point. Though I should probably try to work on my sentence structure anyway.
Post a Comment