Ugh

Tired is not a strong enough word. I may have been able to put up a couple of posts – and that last one I didn’t even write today – but as I’ve said before, blogging about reality is easier than talking about myself. Here goes, anyway.

I have been trying, of late, to catch up on almost six years’ worth of chores. I made a very small dent – the kind you can pop out and don’t need filler for – in the task in the last week or so. In the process I have managed to prove two things.

First, I have proven to myself that I am delusional. I’m sure most of you already knew that. Well, really I just confirmed that I am still disabled. There’s a nasty trick your mind and body play on you when you are disabled. It happens to people without a problem as well, but I think it’s a bit sneakier when you have a disability. When you are sitting, as comfortably as you can, and feeling somewhat like your old self, you get this crazy idea that you’re really recovered and you can do anything that you want to do. That can last for a long time, it can last at least as long as until you stand up and try to do something. Then it all comes back to you as you do one or two minor chores and then collapse in a heap.

I’ve been feeling a little better with the warmer weather, though all of these storms aren’t good for me. So, since there are signs that we are going to need a new washing machine any day now, I needed to do some prep work. The area leading to and around the washer is somewhat inaccessible, at least inaccessible enough to prevent a new appliance from being installed. So I have been trying to make some room. I did manage to, but at what cost, at what cost? OK, too melodramatic. I exhausted myself.

But at least I got a chance to try. Now for a week or two of recovery.

Oh, I did say I learned two things. I am not as bad as I used to be. That should come as no surprise since I was pretty bad, but I’m not even as bad as I was last year. There is an interesting converse problem whereby the more you do, the harder it is to do some things. It’s not that they are harder in and of themselves, but when you spread your energy around to more things you have less for each task. Still, it’s good that the variety of things I can attempt has grown.

It’s the parceling out of the energy that becomes paramount. Do you use it to look fully capable in public, or do you use it to load the dishwasher and take out the trash? These are the questions of my life. Sounds like a soap opera, doesn’t it? I guess that explains the melodrama.