Venting

About all I can think of to sum up how I feel at the moment is $@&!. No, it’s not about the state of the economy or the appalling condition of politics in the country. This time it’s personal.

Today I had myself measured, sonically probed, tested, stressed and probed some more. No irradiation this time. Technically the results were good and I should be happy. The problem is I still have an electrical problem with my heart.

Not the cardiologist or any other doctor I have mentioned this to thinks it’s a big deal. Unfortunately I do.

I know that I should be happy with the overall state of my health. I handled the test pretty well and the results, especially considering my condition, were encouraging.

But I am very depressed at the moment. That’s why I’m here venting. I am pissed. I don’t know why this happened – neither does anyone else. Whether this is the result of my illness or some medication or would have happened anyway doesn’t really matter. However it happened there is nothing that I can do about it.

So I’m depressed.

I am also alive and relatively healthy. I could be much worse off. I just can’t get past this yet. I was hoping that a change in medication would make this condition go away but it didn’t. Nothing is worse, but nothing is better. In fact, as I said, I handled the test pretty well and the cardiologist said the results were good. I was actually very nervous before this test for no really good reason and then it went well. My heart performed well under the stress and the doctor didn’t recommend any treatment, just come back in the fall. Of course I used to see him once a year and now it’s twice.

What’s also not helping is that I am exhausted – I mean I’m having trouble just standing up and walking across the room. I am also sore, and tomorrow I will be in even more pain. My legs are not happy with me, my lungs are tired, my heart is glad that it’s over and in general my body is wondering what the heck just happened. And my brain is frazzled.

Oh, and my chest already itches.

Things could be worse and eventually I will see that is true. I will see just what my life is like and realize that I could be in much worse shape. I am alive. However healthy I am, I am still alive. I should be happy with how the test turned out, and I will be. It’s just going to take some time.

Have pity for my poor wife who has to deal with me when I’m like this.