Over, but not quite done with

The hearing in front of the administrative law judge was this morning. It went well as far as I can tell. I liked the judge – and I hope that opinion doesn’t change. My lawyer knows him, says he’s fair, and he also thought things went well today. Unfortunately, my lawyer also says that he does not make on the spot decisions and that along with the backlog means there’s no telling when I’ll find out what the outcome is.

One other thing. The way these things work, you don’t really see your lawyer face to face that much. There are long waiting periods – waiting for the state to do something – so you go for long stretches without even talking much. So, as much as I like the guy, I don’t know that much about him. Before the hearing we were running through things, and he checked out the CD the SSA creates to keep all of my records on. It could not be read.

Now this was no big deal. The people at the SSA office just went and created another one. We had it well before the hearing started, and my lawyer had time to check it out. So he stuck the CD in the computer and expressed his hope that it could be read and that he could see the files. He said that he was looking for wormsign.

I did a double-take. I looked over at my wife and quietly asked her if she had heard the same thing I had. Then I asked my lawyer if I had heard him correctly. I had. And he meant exactly what I thought he meant.

Turns out that he had been re-reading Dune.

That was completely unexpected.

I hope it’s a good thing.

And at warp 10 we're going nowhere pretty fast

There’s a lot going on in the world right now, and a lot going on in my world, and you know, I’m walking right at the edge. Plus it’s one of those days when my neck is so bad my head spins whenever I try to stand up.

No matter how much I try not to think about the hearing on Wednesday, let alone not worry about it, I just can’t keep it from my mind. This has been going on for 3½ years and now that it’s all coming down to this, everything focused on one day, I’m really feeling it.

One benefit is that this has been keeping me from going on about the anniversary date stuff. Well, with the exception of yesterday’s little quip. I have a lot to say, but since I haven’t been able to work it all out in my head I haven’t written it yet. I hope that this gives me a chance to actually get a handle on all of the conflicting issues that I am trying to deal with.

One thing I can tell you – and I am saying this to myself as well as to anyone else – is that this will be the end. For four years I have lived through endless recapitulation of what had happened to me and what was wrong with me. It’s been four years of endless rounds with doctors and lawyers and paperwork and people not believing what I have been saying – as if I would want to even fake living like this. Four years of basing my life off of those two months in 2005 when I was unconscious in the ICU. Four years of constant effort just to tread water and keep telling people the same thing over and over. One problem with only telling the truth is that you just keep repeating yourself. For four years I have been looking back at where I was. No more of that. No more of the past keeping me back.

After Wednesday that’s all over. It’s time to look forward and move ahead. It’s time to look at the past as a starting point and not the finish. It’s damn sure past time to start living for myself, put the past in perspective and look to the future. It’s time to live today as today and not as an echo of some day in 2005.

It’s time to work on having a life.

Now to get back to worrying and setting my nerves on edge and messing with my gastrointestinal system. I need to work on that ulcer some more, and sleep tonight should be really interesting.

I’ll probably post about the hearing tomorrow unless I crash for too long.

Celebrate

It's Call In Sick and Never Go Back to Work Day.

Enjoy.

Or, whatever.






Hey, you knew I had to say something about it.

One small step ...

Stunning. Awesome. Cool. Wow.

40 years ago I was a 10 year old sitting in front of a black and white television marvelling at the sights from a quarter million miles away.

Here's a salute to everyone involved: the engineers who designed everything, the little old ladies* who knitted the computer memory, the women who hand-sewed the spacesuits, the thousands of people who put all the pieces together, the ones who gave their lives, the ones with the vision, John Kennedy, the ones who went there first and only watched the Lunar surface in passing - and the Command Module pilots who all did that and the two who set foot on the moon for the first time 40 years ago today.

40 years later and I still say, wow.



*Historical reference.

We choose to go to the Moon …

Forty years ago today Apollo 11 was launched from Cape Kennedy (at the time) to begin its flight to the Moon. As a child I followed the space program with a nerdy delight. I was a little young when the Mercury program began, but I caught up quickly and I followed everything through Gemini and Apollo. I read the magazine articles on various lifting body re-entry designs, the boosters that were used, the lunar lander and rover concepts, the Agena rendezvous and space walk missions - the works.

I loved it. I was enthralled. I was thrilled by the successes, angered and saddened by the tragedy and sat in rapt attention watching the launches.

July of 1969 was a magical month. It was not, as I hoped, the beginning of an age of space exploration. It was, however, the realization of an astonishing human endeavour. Was it all altruistic? Of course not. It was, however, amazing and magical and for a 10 year old boy – and avid reader of science fiction and lover of science – it was a dream come true. Well, by proxy at least.

It was wonderful to have in the world when I was a child.

VISTA SUCKS

Just so all y’all know. Vista is the worst operating system that I have ever had the misfortune to work with, and since I’ve been doing this for more than 3 decades, I say that makes it the worst OS ever.

I know that MS’s motto is ‘The world is our Beta site’, but this is ridiculous. It doesn’t network, it doesn’t recognize peripherals, it doesn’t even recognize other Windows apps. IE is not a fully functional browser. Installing updates destroys drivers and the first service pack took an hour and a half to download.

I tried to install a printer and not only did it not recognize the printer it killed my network.

Like I said. Worst. OS. Ever.

A new record

OK, so after that last post I had to go see what I’ve been doing that’s been leaving me so tired and feeling like I just have no time or energy to do anything. So I checked my calendar and my wife and I have had a combined total of more than 110 doctor visits this year. In the last 32 days we have had 25 appointments, and even with having some days when we both had an appointment, 16 of those days have had doctor appointments. So we’re averaging 1 doctor appointment every 2 days.

No wonder I never know what happened to the time.

Wringer, Been through the

Everything has been happening at once lately, or close enough together that it feels like it.

I recently had an appointment and for some reason visits with this doctor always take a lot out of me. It was just a follow-up, but they are always very comprehensive with her. So it wore me out.

I also had a full load of doctor visits that same week.

Then I got the notice about the Social Security hearing. This is a good thing, but it also sets off the worry response that I need to control and that is tiring and that makes me more frazzled.

I also had a very non-productive meeting with a State office person which went exactly as far as I expected; namely nowhere. But I knew this going in. This visit was just to confirm what I could not confirm over the phone because they just won’t do it that way. Eh. This was made more annoying because I took a wrong turn and got lost, in the sense that I sort of knew where I was but couldn’t find the office, and was late for the meeting. I did get some interesting information though, just in general terms, because even though the governmental department she worked for offered limited help, the person I talked to had something to offer.

Just before that there was a very good but very tiring meeting with a private – um – social worker type. I’m not sure what to call her. She is from a community reentry organization that works with people with brain injuries – I hate that term. Central nervous system insult I think some doctor once called it. That’s a bit better. This was paid for by the Traumatic Brain Injury Fund. Just the initial interview so far, but there’s no reason to believe they won’t fund more once things get rolling.

Anyway, she came to the house and we talked for quite a while. She is very experienced and skilled at this and much information was exchanged. More than I’ve had a chance to process yet. But she was nice, told me a lot, gave me some written info and told me about a local support group that I want to check out. I have some probably unrealistic hopes about this, but even realistically this looks like something good getting started.

On top of all of that I haven’t been sleeping. It’s even worse than usual. I did fall asleep in the recliner the other day, but all that did was mess up my neck and back. I slid down in the chair and when I woke up the nerves and muscles in my neck and back where spasming. The room wasn’t spinning, it was flipping up and down. For those of you old enough to remember it was like a TV with horizontal hold problems. My wife worked on my neck and back which helped enough to let me lie down and get some sleep. My neck cracked a bit and when I got up many hours later the dizziness had subsided.

Wow, I just looked at what I’ve written so far and boy what a self-indulgent whiny rant. Well, maybe not whiny, but I do seem to be complaining a lot. It’s just that I’ve been beaten down the last few weeks and I felt like getting it out. I’ve been much more active, just not in the ways that I had planned for June. Though what I did was probably more productive than anything that I had planned so there is that.

Now the question is this: just how far off of my track will I get if I make a plan for the rest of July? And will the non-scheduled things be productive?

Suddenly, at last

I finally got a notice for a hearing in front of an administrative law judge to decide my Social Security claim: July 29th.

For those of you playing along, I originally filed for Social Security in the spring of 2006. At the time I did it because the long term disability policy required it – I thought that I would recover too quickly for it to matter. Yeah, well, anyway.

After that there was a denial, a review, a denial, an appeal, a denial, and so forth. Somewhere in there I got myself a lawyer so he could worry about the details and I tried to put it out of my mind so I could stop reiterating how bad I had been and still was and concentrate on moving forward and getting better.

The last step, more or less, is the hearing by an administrative law judge, which will probably be the first time anyone actually looks at my medical records. If I read the notice correctly, I can still appeal this decision, but that would be it unless I want to start the process all over again and file a new claim and the clock starts all over again.

So, I am trying to not worry about this especially since there isn’t anything more to be done once I make sure that everyone has all the paperwork they need.

When I filed the request for a hearing in late November 2007, my lawyer told me that the wait would be about 18 months and he was right. Start to finish it will be 3½ years. It's taken so long that now that it's almost here it took me by surprise.

IN CONGRESS. July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation.

WE hold the Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness – That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that when any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security. Such has been the patient Sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the Necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The History of the present King of Great-Britain is a History of repeated Injuries and Usurpations, all having in direct Object the Establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid World.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public Good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing Importance, unless suspended in their Operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the Accommodation of large Districts of People, unless those People would relinquish the Rights of Representation in the Legislature, a Right inestimable to them, and formidable to Tyrants only.

He has called together Legislative Bodies at Places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the Depository of their public Records, for the sole Purpose of fatiguing them into Compliance with his Measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly Firmness his Invasions on the Rights of the People.

He has refused for a long Time, after such Dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the Dangers of Invasion from without, and Convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the Population of these States; for that Purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their Migrations hither, and raising the Conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the Tenure of their Offices, and the Amount and Payment of their Salaries.

He has erected a Multitude of new Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their Substance.

He has kept among us, in Times of Peace, Standing Armies, without the consent of our Legislatures.

He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a Jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by our Laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large Bodies of Armed Troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all Parts of the World:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many Cases, of the Benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended Offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an arbitrary Government, and enlarging its Boundaries, so as to render it at once an Example and fit Instrument for introducing the same absolute Rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with Power to legislate for us in all Cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our Seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our Towns, and destroyed the Lives of our People.

He is, at this Time, transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the Works of Death, Desolation, and Tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and Perfidy, scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous Ages, and totally unworthy of the Head of a civilized Nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the Executioners of their Friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic Insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the Inhabitants of our Frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known Rule of Warfare, is an undistinguished Destruction, of all Ages, Sexes and Conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions we have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble Terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated Injury. A Prince, whose Character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Ruler of a free People.

Nor have we been wanting in Attentions to our British Brethren. We have warned them from Time to Time of Attempts by their Legislature to extend an unwarrantable Jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the Ties of our common Kindred to disavow these Usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our Connections and Correspondence. They too have been deaf to the Voice of Justice and of Consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the Necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of Mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace, Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the Rectitude of our Intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly Publish and Declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political Connection between them and the State of Great-Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which INDEPENDENT STATES may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm Reliance on the Protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

Happy Anniversary to me

No, nothing so important as a wedding, just my presence here.

I let my anniversary here pass without comment. It’s been just over 1 year of somewhat irregular blogging. Note the two weeks since the last entry. I started this as a way to let people come and check on my status on their own time. So this has been a blog of mostly medical history and updates with some eclectic musings thrown in. With a couple of exceptions I have not posted political entries. Not that I haven’t written any, I just didn’t post them. I wanted to keep this a less intense place.

That may have led to this also being a somewhat uninteresting blog.

Now, I intend to keep posting medical info and medical status entries. I want anyone who knows me to be able to keep up to date. I also want anyone who wanders in here to see anything I can post that might help.

I also need to keep moving on with things. So, I am going to keep blogging with whatever regularity I can manage. I’ll keep the status updates going as well as medical info and also whatever else I happen to be up to. Whenever I can I’ll throw in anything interesting that I come across and fun stuff and news updates.

I have another anniversary coming up in July which I hope to use for productive ends. We’ll see.

That’s all for now. I just didn’t want the year to pass totally unremarked.