And at warp 10 we're going nowhere pretty fast

There’s a lot going on in the world right now, and a lot going on in my world, and you know, I’m walking right at the edge. Plus it’s one of those days when my neck is so bad my head spins whenever I try to stand up.

No matter how much I try not to think about the hearing on Wednesday, let alone not worry about it, I just can’t keep it from my mind. This has been going on for 3½ years and now that it’s all coming down to this, everything focused on one day, I’m really feeling it.

One benefit is that this has been keeping me from going on about the anniversary date stuff. Well, with the exception of yesterday’s little quip. I have a lot to say, but since I haven’t been able to work it all out in my head I haven’t written it yet. I hope that this gives me a chance to actually get a handle on all of the conflicting issues that I am trying to deal with.

One thing I can tell you – and I am saying this to myself as well as to anyone else – is that this will be the end. For four years I have lived through endless recapitulation of what had happened to me and what was wrong with me. It’s been four years of endless rounds with doctors and lawyers and paperwork and people not believing what I have been saying – as if I would want to even fake living like this. Four years of basing my life off of those two months in 2005 when I was unconscious in the ICU. Four years of constant effort just to tread water and keep telling people the same thing over and over. One problem with only telling the truth is that you just keep repeating yourself. For four years I have been looking back at where I was. No more of that. No more of the past keeping me back.

After Wednesday that’s all over. It’s time to look forward and move ahead. It’s time to look at the past as a starting point and not the finish. It’s damn sure past time to start living for myself, put the past in perspective and look to the future. It’s time to live today as today and not as an echo of some day in 2005.

It’s time to work on having a life.

Now to get back to worrying and setting my nerves on edge and messing with my gastrointestinal system. I need to work on that ulcer some more, and sleep tonight should be really interesting.

I’ll probably post about the hearing tomorrow unless I crash for too long.