Probably not what it seems to be

It occurs to me that some of theses posts, talking about how I can’t do anything but collapse after I ride, may sound depressed or depressing and they aren’t meant to.

They’re accurate, but that’s all they’re meant to be.

I really am enjoying riding and I think it does me good to ride whatever the physical benefits have been so far.  I just need to work out how to get more done, and I will.

Still recovering

OK, so that post about the dentist really does prove that I am obsessed with cycling.  I was more concerned about missing a day riding than about going to the dentist, even knowing how much that would take out of me.  After all, I’m still recovering from the dentist today.  So, really, that’s two days riding I’ve missed.

I really wish it didn’t take so much pounding and prying and drilling to get things done.  My lip is still swollen.  With my big mouth you’d think they could get at my teeth more easily.

As it is I can only ride for 15 – 20 minutes several days a week and then I can’t do anything else for the rest of the day.  Occasionally I need extra days off to recover more fully.  I can’t cycle on days I go to the doctor or to the store and I really shouldn’t on trash night but last week I did.  Still, I like it and miss it when circumstances keep me from it.  I think it’s because it makes me feel normal for a little while.  I know it’s illusory, or at least temporary, but I’m going to keep doing it and we’ll see how far it takes me.

Sometimes I hate it when I’m right

Doctors sometimes ask me if I exercise or what I do for exercise and I explain that I don’t do structured exercise.  I use what I do around the house as exercise.  Anything extra that I add would make it hard for me to do the things that need to be done.  I’m not always sure they believe me – some obviously do, but I even doubt myself sometimes.

Well, now I’ve started cycling and guess what?  I’m having a hard time keeping up with all of the things that I need to do.  As a result things have been piling up around here.  It’s not good to be proven right in this circumstance.

Sure, things could be much worse, but this is what I have to deal with, doing all of the things that I couldn’t keep up with before while also cycling as often as possible.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m really not complaining.  Seriously.  It’s more like I told you so (I told me so?).

Eventually the weather will determine what gets done, but until then I intend to keep up the cycling and do my best to make everything else work.  I’ll take it as a challenge/exercise in scheduling and prioritizing and figuring out how best to manage my energy.

It’s all in the reflexes

I’ve mentioned before how I can’t do the things that I used to do, that I’ve lost many of the various abilities that a body accrues from a lifetime of movement.  And until I try to do something I don’t even know that anything is missing.

Forget that for now, because I want to talk about the trying and some things that I’ve retained.

Sometimes, I find myself trying to do things that I am surprised I even remember.  I can’t get on my bike in the usual way, but even doubting I could I tried.  It was just the natural thing to do.  I have seen this happen for all sorts of things with cycling.  All of the little things you learn how to do to control the bike, ways of pedaling, shifting, handling bumps and potholes and manhole covers and rough patches in the road, negotiating turns and bumps and curves – the reflex is still there.

All of this became so ingrained in my mind and my body when I was a child that it has survived the ravages of time and illness.  Maybe I haven’t remembered everything – after all you don’t know if you don’t remember – but I don’t care.  It’s fun to find myself doing things that aren’t every day activities but that used to be second nature.  And doing it without even thinking.

I don’t even care if I can’t do it well, or even at all.  It’s the fact that I try that I think is cool.

Just to keep things real

I can ride for about 15 minutes, then I collapse into a recliner, immobile, for at least 2 hours.  The rest of the day I spend recovering from exhaustion and stiffness and sore muscles.

That is the limit of my cycling ability.

I am enjoying myself but boy I am barely off the starting line here.

But at least I’m enjoying the ride

Back to optimism, of sorts.

I am concerned that I am expecting too much from riding my bike.  I seem to be expecting cycling to do everything for me, as if it will increase my energy, reduce my fatigue, make me stronger, give me bright eyes and a shiny coat.

I’m also concerned that I will have a serious problem if this doesn’t work – or if it doesn’t make everything better.  Well, maybe not a serious problem, but I really am hoping that this will do a lot for me and that may not be realistic.  This is a promising start and that on its own is a good thing.  Even if I get a minimum benefit from this that will still be a benefit.

I’m enjoying this and I am going to keep doing it.  I just need to be realistic.

I may love doing this just because it is something that I am able to do and it is important to me because of that.  My unrealistic expectations don’t make it a bad thing.  I’m just fixated on it – current rants on here notwithstanding – and I need to be sure that it doesn’t distract me or delude me from seeing what else needs to be done or the problems that still exist.  As the ‘Boxed in’ entry said, this disability is not something that I can get away from.  No matter how hard I pedal.

Then again I’m not really trying to do that.  I may be trying to distract myself for a time and do something that I enjoy and get away from things for a while.  I don’t see anything wrong with that and looking forward to riding is helping me in many ways.  What I can’t do is let myself see this as the perfect and immediate solution.

Being able to ride was a bigger deal than maybe even my babbling about it can relate.  I got the idea into my head that I wanted to do this – that I needed to do this – that this was a major and vital step in improving my health.  I made it a big deal and I was expecting to be let down when I couldn’t ride.  But I could.  That success looks like a major leap but it isn’t yet.  It is a little step.  It is a step in the right direction but it wasn’t a jump right to the finish line.

I’m hoping that writing this is enough evidence that I am aware of the limitations both of myself and this latest idea I have of what I need to do.  Cycling is not a solution.  Cycling is a step in the right direction.  It offers a lot that can help me. 

I am still in the very early stages of this.  I might not get very far before the weather gets bad enough to force me to stop.  If I put too much into this it could all fall apart – I could fall apart – when I have to stop either for the winter or for some other reason.

So I need to keep my head clear about this and keep looking ahead to other things.  And I will keep cycling, not put too much emphasis on it, and I will keep thinking about its place in my progress.

That and I will buy myself a new saddle.  My posterior just can’t handle the hybrid seat design anymore.  All my padding seems to be higher and in the front.  Go figure.