Coq au Genou

Or, why I am having a cockscomb derivative shot into my knee.

I have a bad knee. It may be the one thing wrong with me that something can be done about (grammar police go away). So I went to an orthopoedist. I had been told that I needed surgery for my knee, so the purpose of this visit was a second opinion. I went to the office, I had my knee x-rayed and the images were conveniently sent digitally to the monitor in the exam room. And there I sat expecting to be discussing surgical remedies for my knee that just won’t support me or work properly. In walks the doctor, the young doctor, and the exam begins. He talks to me and hears my history – open astonishment, quelle surprise – and he manipulates and prods my leg and knee in a variety of inconvenient ways. Then we talk.

I’ve injured that knee a couple of times over the years, and I have some arthritic changes (not helped by gout) and there are problems in there. But he says no surgery. I came to a place that is known for its surgical technique, I am waiting to talk about surgery – which I do not want but think I need – and here the doctor goes and says no surgery. He thinks I need injections. In my knee. Yeah, right. Some lubricant, he says, just a little WD40^®.

In. My. Knee.

OK, what he said made sense. My kneecap was grinding away on bone. The probable scenario was that my already unstable knee just didn’t stand a chance once I got sick. Some of you may remember that I was using a cane already after my last gout attack. Two months of immobility plus considerable loss of muscle added up to a knee that just couldn’t recover. So the lack of muscle meant that my knee was unstable and the unstable knee meant that I couldn’t exercise the muscle. You see the dilemma there. The doctor also thought that, without muscle to support the knee, surgery would just make it worse and I stood no chance, no pun intended, of ever having a good knee after that. He also thought that the injections were the best treatment anyway.

Yeah. But a needle in my knee? Sure, it sounded logical. Everything he said made sense, but I don’t like jumping into these things and have I mentioned that I have a problem with medical procedures ever since my hospitalization? An important point here: the doctor asked me if I was as bad with this sort of thing before I got sick. I told him no, because I wasn’t. Very perceptive guy. I like that. Anyway, I agreed to it, freaked out some while waiting for him to get everything ready – even calling my wife on my cell while he was out of the room.

When he came back I was just all excited and eager to get on with things - in a pig’s eye. But I did it anyway. I asked about side effects, he said nope; no problems with blood pressure or any other drugs and it doesn’t get into your system much, right away at least (I mean it has to go somewhere since it wears out). It’s only a problem if you’re allergic to chicken – I am not. It was developed for race horses and is made from cockscombs; hence the title of this post. It is purified sodium hyaluronate, brand name Supartz^®.

Voluntarily walking into a doctor’s office, shelling out a good chunk of my almost depleted resources, just so someone can stick a needle in my knee, is not something that I would have believed that I would do. But from the start it seemed to be helping, so I have gone back four times now (meaning five treatments) to have a needle stuck into my knee. And I have been looking forward to it. I suppose if the first shot hadn’t gone so well my attitude would have been different, but this is a treatment that is working. I liked going back. I may be crazy.

For anyone who may need this, it is not as bad as it sounds. They freeze the skin and you barely feel the needle. What I did feel was pressure from the injection, and last week he hit scar tissue which was very bad, but in general it is a very simple, very quick, very good procedure. I go home, ice my knee for a while and fall asleep. A day or two later I’m doing just fine. If you’re not as depleted as I am you’ll probably be good to go the next day. I think the fluid in the knee may cause a problem for anyone at least the rest of the day when you get the shot.

So here I am, with a bunch of lubricant shot into my knee. It feels a little stiff, but definitely more stable. Now I have to adjust to my new configuration. I’ve been walking crooked for so long that normal feels weird. Next up: physical therapy.

Now I am going to crash. For me, getting the shot pretty much takes it all out of me. Your mileage may vary.





ETA: I just thought I'd mention that it was one shot a week with today being the fifth and last shot. I realized that I wasn't clear about that.
And if my silly title wasn't clear, it's just my nonsense French take on coq au vin. Get it, rooster in knee instead of - oh, never mind.

Once more unto the breach

Today was a doctor day*. This time it was one of the physiatrists that I see. This was a follow-up, routine except for how much info I had to recount. I also asked about a Functional Capacity Exam. I can’t get anyone to approve one, so I need to find out what one would cost. Now, I have a good idea what it would cost and I can’t afford it, but I think it will help.

I need to find out what kind of work I can do, if any. I’ve been trying to do this on my own, but I am not being very successful. I’m hoping that the purported experts in this field might be able to help. If I can get an exam, maybe the results will give them some ideas that I haven’t thought of yet. I admit that I do not know every job that exists. I’ve looked at some lists, but I’m sure I’ve missed something. And now that I think of it, there is a master job classification list but my memory is giving me trouble on this one. Anyone remember what that list is called? I’m going to go to Google but I’ll take any suggestion for searches anyone cares to offer.





* That’s number 14 in the last 6^1/2 weeks.

Late in the day, as in almost tomorrow, posting

Today was a quiet day. I spent most of yesterday reading, yeah, really, a rediscovered experience for me. And except for a jaunt to the store for some essentials I pretty much blew off anything else today. And you know what, sometimes I just need to do that.

So, my impression of an old fart sitting around talking about his medical problems will just have to wait for another day. For now I am going to take it easy and look for something else to read.

IN CONGRESS. July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation.
     WE hold the Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness – That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that when any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security. Such has been the patient Sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the Necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The History of the present King of Great-Britain is a History of repeated Injuries and Usurpations, all having in direct Object the Establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid World.
     He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public Good.
     He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing Importance, unless suspended in their Operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
     He has refused to pass other Laws for the Accommodation of large Districts of People, unless those People would relinquish the Rights of Representation in the Legislature, a Right inestimable to them, and formidable to Tyrants only.
     He has called together Legislative Bodies at Places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the Depository of their public Records, for the sole Purpose of fatiguing them into Compliance with his Measures.
     He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly Firmness his Invasions on the Rights of the People.
     He has refused for a long Time, after such Dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the Dangers of Invasion from without, and Convulsions within.
     He has endeavoured to prevent the Population of these States; for that Purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their Migrations hither, and raising the Conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
     He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.
     He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the Tenure of their Offices, and the Amount and Payment of their Salaries.
     He has erected a Multitude of new Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their Substance.
     He has kept among us, in Times of Peace, Standing Armies, without the consent of our Legislatures.
     He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.
     He has combined with others to subject us to a Jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by our Laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
     For quartering large Bodies of Armed Troops among us:
     For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these States:
     For cutting off our Trade with all Parts of the World:
     For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
     For depriving us, in many Cases, of the Benefits of Trial by Jury:
     For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended Offences:
     For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an arbitrary Government, and enlarging its Boundaries, so as to render it at once an Example and fit Instrument for introducing the same absolute Rule into these Colonies:
     For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
     For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with Power to legislate for us in all Cases whatsoever.
     He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
     He has plundered our Seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our Towns, and destroyed the Lives of our People.
     He is, at this Time, transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the Works of Death, Desolation, and Tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and Perfidy, scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous Ages, and totally unworthy of the Head of a civilized Nation.
     He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the Executioners of their Friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
     He has excited domestic Insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the Inhabitants of our Frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known Rule of Warfare, is an undistinguished Destruction, of all Ages, Sexes and Conditions.
     In every stage of these Oppressions we have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble Terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated Injury. A Prince, whose Character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Ruler of a free People.
     Nor have we been wanting in Attentions to our British Brethren. We have warned them from Time to Time of Attempts by their Legislature to extend an unwarrantable Jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the Ties of our common Kindred to disavow these Usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our Connections and Correspondence. They too have been deaf to the Voice of Justice and of Consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the Necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of Mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace, Friends.
     We, therefore, the Representatives of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the Rectitude of our Intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly Publish and Declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political Connection between them and the State of Great-Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which INDEPENDENT STATES may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm Reliance on the Protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

Fat man in the bathtub

I seem to be lacking in profound statements today. Maybe it’s the approaching holiday, maybe my brain is just fried. I wanted to post on something other than my health today. Why bore you with that when I can bore you with something else? But I am blank. I’ve been too focused on the last few days’ posts and my brain is stuck in medical history gear.

So how about this?
On Monday, fifteen camels, two zebras, several llamas and some pot-bellied pigs escaped from a circus that was touring Amsterdam. Police suspect that a giraffe kicked open the door. The giraffe isn’t talking. Maybe they had the munchies.



And today is Paul Barrere’s birthday. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDp3Grz28mE

Façade

I do well at faking it in social situations. What I do is expend my energy on hiding my deficits. I pretend to be normal. Then when I am home in private I collapse. The exhaustion and pain just overwhelm me. I do well in short bursts, but hiding problems only works socially. It is the very abilities that I am disguising a lack of that are needed for work.

That’s also why I look good on tests: they are short, they are guided and they are very limited in scope. In other words, the tests that I have taken are not the real world.

I think that it’s pretty common for people in my situation to act this way. I am disabled (and relatively new to it). I don’t want to be. I particularly don’t want people who know me to see it. I can’t hide everything but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Hiding things becomes a habit, and is especially a problem when talking to doctors. If you hide stuff from a doctor they can’t help you. But it becomes second nature. It isn’t just accommodation to work around problems, it’s trying to disguise the fact that the problems even exist.

Some of it is self-denial, but it is also a mask to hide the disability from others. It’s also a problem because I don’t look disabled. So, looking able-bodied and trying to act normal makes me look relatively normal so even though I am disabled I don’t look it so I look like I’m trying to fake it or something. That’s a problem.

I don’t want to admit that I am permanently disabled. I want to believe that I can recover fully, even though I know that there are some injuries, for want of a better word, that will not heal. I don’t know if this makes sense. I’m trying to say that I try to hide who I am so the world will think that I am who I was. I suppose that until I understand and accept who I am the world never will see the real me. I don’t think that I am comfortable enough with the reality to expose myself to the world that way. Not yet.

Another day, another doctor

This is an update for friends who I don't want to bore with a tedious email. Instead I'll bore the whole world, bwahahahaha! Ahem. Well, at least people come here by choice. Anyway.

I am doing well, all things considered. Everything is relative these days but I do believe that I have been making improvements. Recent events, I think, show this is true.

In the past five weeks (I checked my calendar) I have had 10 doctor appointments, including 5 new doctors (one of whom was an insurance company doctor, feh) and 2 tests (pulmonary function test and an ENT looking down my trachea - ah, the stories I could tell about that one, and I probably will). Oh, and injections into my knee - cringe inducing, but actually not as bad as you might think. Now, I knew that some of this was coming - not the knee stuff, but a pretty full plate of doctor visits. So I set myself a goal of surviving all of it and of managing my time around the visits without completely falling apart.

Typically, a doctor's appointment is the one thing that I do on that day and more often than not for a day or two after. But that pretty much kills most of the week. I did not want to let that happen to an entire month. I knew that it easily could so I made a conscious effort to keep the rest of my time as unaltered by the doctors as possible. I needed to force myself to at least think of other things. That may not sound like much, but doctors require enough effort that it’s hard to keep going physically or mentally. But I really needed to try, even past the point of exhaustion. I figured that in that way I could be a little more of a real person – and I think I pulled it off pretty well.

It was exhausting, but I expected that, and I managed to keep the days around the appointments as normal* as possible. More importantly, I also managed to keep myself mentally up through it all, more or less – which I am inordinately proud of doing. Since I couldn’t change the physical demands I was trying to work on ways to better handle the mental challenge. I may fall apart at the end of the week, but at least I make it that far – hmm, maybe I’m giving myself too much credit. Well, I’ll take it anyway. I need to see some improvement somewhere.

Therefore I will keep the assessment that I am doing better than last year. However lame the accomplishments, there is no way that last year I would have been able to do this much. With another 6 or 7 appointments in the next month though, I am wondering what the heck I was thinking. Oh boy, July is going to be as much fun as June.

So, that was just some boring detail by way of explanation for feelings of improvement and optimism.

Rambling ends for now.

*A relative term referring to the currently normal state of affairs as impacted by well-known recent events and not any other, or former, state of normalcy.