In spite of what I have been posting lately, and even in light of the fact that I do see little hope for this country to not only not achieve what is possible but to not even do what is rational or moral, I have not stopped trying in my personal life.
I was talking to a doctor once and I mentioned that I was more than open to suggestions about what I could do to work or improve so I could get back to work in some way. The doctor asked me, if I was disabled and couldn’t work, why would I even ask such a thing?
After a moment or two of shock, during which I wondered what the heck this person was thinking, I said that I had to try. I ask for advice all the time. I know that I have physical limitations that make it impossible for me to do even part-time work. I can’t even manage a couple of hours a day. That doesn’t mean I don’t want that to change and that I won’t look for any way I can to get around it.
I have to try.
I don’t know if the doctor believed me, of course they were working for an insurance company so who knows. They didn’t believe you could think about more than one thing at a time, either. That came up when I explained that I couldn’t multi-task anymore. Whatever.
I have to try. I have to keep trying even when I fail and even when experience shows me that I can not do what I want to do. The alternative is to give up. I’m not going to give up. I don’t know a single disabled person who would.
Yes, I have limitations and deficits, I am disabled, I am depressed, I struggle to do things that were not even worth a thought before, I get through some days by sheer stubbornness and then I collapse for days after. So what?
I still keep working on ways to get around the limitations, or to find other things that I might be able to do – which is why I ask about things to try – and I still look for ways to be more than what I am right now. Moving is hard, thinking is hard, heck, even sitting in a chair is hard and the pain doesn’t care if I’m moving or not, but that’s the point. It doesn’t go away if I do nothing – and I don’t get better if I do nothing. So why would I do nothing?
Sure, I have to be careful not to make things worse and I do have problems with recovering from any level exertion. If I push too hard I could injure myself, maybe even kill myself by trying too hard, but I’m not talking about being unreasonable. Well, maybe except for the parts where I’m stubborn. And I do need to talk to my cardiologist about a few things but that’s a different story.
My point is that I can’t do things right now, but I want to be able to do something in the future and in order to get there I have to try. I may not make it. I’ll deal with that later. (Yes, this could indicate an irrational denial of reality. I don’t care.)
The world sucks, the country sucks and most of the time life sucks. I may have no hope of ever achieving what I want to achieve or even accomplishing anything at all. My own limitations or outside forces may get in the way. That does not mean that I will give up and not try.
Who was it who said that if you don’t try you’ve already failed? Well in this situation they were right.
Keep on truckin’.
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